"All drains lead to the ocean..."

If this is true, then my cell phone should be swimming in the atlantic right now... well if not the atlantic, then at least the Boston Harbor. Yes. I flushed my phone down the toilet.

It all started with a last-minute cram session at the library before my Bio 13 final (which was awful by the way). Nature was calling, so I took a trip to the bathroom with my cellphone and ID in my backpocket (I was planning to make a call after relieving myself, and my ID just happened to be in my pocket). So I go ahead and do my thing, and as I am re-panting myself, I see my ID fall to the floor. Assuming my phone is nearby on the floor, I flush the toilet. As the water swirls down I find myself thinking, "was that some grey that I just saw?" Lo and behold. My beloved cellphone is no where to be found. On the bathroom floor? No. In my bag or coat? No. I also retraced my steps a few times, and had one of my friends call it while I walked around the area of last sighting. Still no. With my head hung, I go up stairs and log a lost item report, even though I know my chances are very slim. I just know in a few days I'll be reading in the Daily, "Cell phone causes major back up in Tisch plumbing system." Oye.

Anyone have an extra verizon cell phone? (preferrably nokia...) It's all I want for Christmas...

"Do not pray for easy lives; pray to be stronger. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you yourself shall be a miracle. Every day you shall wonder at yourself, at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God."
~Phillips Brooks

outside inspiration

it's in the stadiums and in the biggest rooms we want too belong / i am mistaken it's in the biggest rooms it all goes wrong
(care of Matt Pond PA -> care of Mike)

If found that even in my senior year of college, I still find myself wanting to fit in. The desire isn't as strong as it once was, but it is still there none-the-less. What is it about human nature that makes us want to fit in? Is it some sort of natural instinct? Or maybe just a personal insecurity. While this desire to belong is still present, I've also become more comfortable in doing things by myself, and I'm finding that I actually prefer doing things by myself in some situations? Does that make me anti-social?

Ever since I started college, I've found myself growing away from certain people. Freshman year it was growing away from my high school friends. Sophomore year it was all of my frosh year hallmates and friends. Junior year, it felt like I was growing away from all of my college friends, especially after I came back from Palestine. Now in my senior year, the feeling from junior year still lingers, but is not as prominent anymore. I do miss my three ex-roomies from last year though, especially Kerry, who I had lived with since day 1 of my life at Tufts. I know living a life of regrets is not the most desireable or healthy thing to do, so here are some wishes and hopes that I have. I wish I kept in touch with people from this summer. I wish I knew what some of my high school friends are up to. I wish I had kept in touch with all of my focusers from years past. And I hope that I keep some of these bonds that I've created during my four years at Tufts. I hope that I have the strength to to follow my heart and not let things hold me back. While not letting things hold me back, I also have to evaluate how important things and people are to me, which is such a hard things to do something. At what point does staying true to your roots get in the way, and at what point do they define an essential part of you?

Everyday I am getting closer and closer to the end of my college career. Will my graduation in May mark the end of my life as a student forever? Probably not, but nothing is ever definite. Where will I go next year? Has Boston stolen my heart away from NJ/NY? Or is it more of a question of who's living in these cities? My heart lies with someone right now, so I have a feeling they will play a big role in my future plans.

I do know that in my future, I would like to be comfortable in those big rooms, where ever and with who ever they are.

Inside of sacred space you are indestructible, even though you feel quite vulnerable and unsure of yourself in many ways. Inside of sacred space you can love America and critique America at the same time. Inside of sacred space you can weep for the bigger evil of which both sides are victims. Inside of sacred space you can imagine an alternative universe because you have now been there yourself. Inside of sacred space you can - if you can dare imagine it - hear God.
~ Richard Rohr

none of my own

I have so much running through my mind right now, but am having an extremely difficult time putting it on paper (or rather on screen). Since my own words are failing me, I will borrow the words of people that have come before me.

"Love is what you've been through with somebody." ~ James Thurber

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." ~ Washington Irving

"Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love." ~ anon.

"The one who loves you will make you weep." ~ Argentine Proverb

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Maryanne Williamson

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." ~C.S. Lewis


So if you can't tell, I'm feeling a little blah right now. My blah is comming in the form of not wanting to study for tests, only getting passible grades on papers, my complete and utter lack of desire to study, being tired of waiting, the fear of the future and the inability to let go of the past. By concentrating on my blah, I think I am just making it worse. It's another one of those downward spiral thingymabobs. I've always had a hard time living in the present, and this seems to be one of those times. But as always, life moves on, and there are always things to look forward to. The PSF retreat on the Cape is this weekend, which should be nice (hopefully). Mike should also be getting here in a few days, which I am extremely happy about, but also nervous at the same time. It seems that all of my emotions have been getting confused and tangled up of late. Hmmm... decisions about exactly how much to talk about. It's late, and I'm getting slightly delusional, so I think this is the part where I go to sleep...

Turning points

It's been a while, huh? It's even a whole new month now since the last time I wrote. Lots of little things have happened since then, but then again I think life is a continuous series of lots of little things, with occasional big things thrown in every once in a while. Well, I guess it really depends on how you define things, but that's just getting into personal opinions and semantics...

Thing #1: I went to Denver last weekend for the "Young Adult Ministry Network" conference-thingy. I was very nervous comming into the weekend, but I ended up having a great time. I met a bunch of bunch of cool people (and got to bar hop with them... I still have to get used to the idea of going to bars with clergy), networked a bit, learned more about the ECUSA (Episcopal Church, USA), was in a good working group that was working on something tangible, and even managed to get a full 8 hours of sleep both nights I was there, which is a heck of a lot more than I get here. I also got to explore the city of Denver a little bit, which is a gorgeous and clean city. If you go a couple of blocks away from the 16th street mall, you can see the Rockies, which were beautiful and all capped with snow.

(continued approx 24 hours later)

Excuse the broad shift in topic, but anyone knows me knows how I put things off, so this entry will be finished in a manner that was not exactly intended... but it will sort of all tie together in the end I think (I don't like to edit my entries as much anymore, I'm shooting for the free flowing, so get ready for a bunch of rambling)

So it has certainly been an interesting week for various reasons that I will not really delve into. One of emotional highs and lows, but also of important realizations. With the more experiences I have, the more that I am inclined to think that it is really through the times of trial that you learn about yourself and grow. It might be hard to find the growth, but it's there.

I tend to live a very comparitive lifestyle. For some reason, it is one of the only ways that I am able to define myself. While this is bad in itself, it is worse because I usually seem to come out on the losing side of the comparison. "Oh, I'm not as popular as she is," or "I wish I knew what I was doing after graduation like him," or "She's cuter than I am," blah blah blah, yadda yadda. Quick, someone psychoanalyze me and tell me why I do this. I think it carries over from that 'dark' period during middle school. Needless to say, I usually end up feeling pretty crappy. Granted, I've gotten better over the years, but still not completely healthy I think. It seems wrong that I have a hard time just setting personal standards for myself and defining myself by them.

But despite all of my shortcomings, part of me realizes that (overall) I am a good person with many talents and a lot to give. I am in no way, shape or form perfect, but then again, we were not designed that way, at least that's what I think. I think think there is beauty in people's faults (most of them anyway... people still shouldn't commit murder or such). And the truth of the matter is that sometimes people just plain fuck up, and thats the truth of the matter. People do things that hurt other people, the world sucks, I'm going to eat more because no one loves me, I'm fat, blah blah, bad downward spiral. (Sorry, that last sentence was a complete tangent, but girls, you probably recognize that bad spiral that we fall into occasionally.)

All things considered, screwing up does not make you a bad or wretched person. Yes, your history shapes you, but it does not define you. Your life is not some stagnant thing that you just watch go by as a casual observer. Everyday you have opportunities to do something different and new. Everyday you have the chance to wipe away the old and re-invent yourself. Every day.

So you're not perfect. Big deal. People still love you. And you know, if you need help, ask for it (this is something I need to practice myself, but hey, didn't I say that no one is perfect?) Accept what you've done and move on. (Am I getting redundant yet?)

Going back to the turning point thing, what a year this has been. I am a senior in college who is trying to pick up a second major who is still trying to decide what to do with her life. Chances are that I won't be able to decide for a while, but I'm learning to wait and be patient. Something that we've been talking about at AND recently is how God does not have a plan for yourlife, but rather that you are God's plan for your life and that you and God would be happy if you did things X, Y, Z, Q and R... I just lost my train of thought staring at this candle that is flickering on my desk, and I don't even really know what I'm trying to say. I think at any given point, people really don't know what do say and are just making noise.

This year is shaping up to be an interesting one. So much has happened in the past month, it's absolutely incredible. To be honest, I am scared about what's going to happen next. But in a way, I am also excited to be moving forward. Life happens... shit happens... and wonderful things happen as well. Here's to things to come...

I'm living forever...

no, not really. But according to a study recently published by harvard, Asian American women living in Bergen County have the greatest average life expectancy in the country with a whopping 91 years. Now I know that I don't spend most of my time in bergen county anymore, but I lived there consistanty for the first 18 years of my life, so I think that still applies. Woot.

sad, but true

This actually happened quite often. Half of the time I got depressed about in how much better shape these older people were than me, and the other half i spent praying that I will be like that when I'm their age...

August 12, 2005

In the almost-ending quest of unpacking my ginormous amounts of shtuff, I decided to go through a bag of birthday presents... from last year. Yes, it even takes me a year to go through presents. Actually, I think the goal was to write thank you cards to everyone, but in addition to being a pack rat, I am also the biggest procrastinator. So to all of you that joined me on my birthday outing to Serendipity III's and so nicely showered me with gifts, thank you. I'm only a year or so late, but better late than never, right? I gotta say though that there is nothing better than going through old birthday cards and finding money. Well, I can think of a few things that are better, but it's definitely a plesant surprise. I'm just really glad that I didn't throw the entire bag in the garbage before going through everything. Now that would have been unfortunate.

In other news, my first week of classes is officially over, although my schedule is not set yet. I'm still not sure if I'm going to do Chamber Singers, and the quartet audition is on monday. I have to admit that I'm nervous. In general I am my own worst critic, but I am really out of practice, and my breath capacity is pretty awful. But we'll see. I'm also not sure if I am going to keep my Gen. Physiology class... I am definitely intimidated by it. It's an upper-level bio class, and I haven't taken biology since freshman year... of highschool. So we'll see, I don't know how much I want to kill my GPA, especially if I don't technically need the class. While I've been writing this entry, I'm been looking at the prerequisites for different OT schools. I also need to look at classes that can fulfill my proposed minor of biomedical engineering. Argh. So complicated. And honestly, I really don't want to look at grad schools right now. It's scary. Do I want to go to seminary? What about Occupational Therapy. Or maybe some other medical profession like Nurse Practitioner. Oh I don't know. There are a lot of I don't know's right now.

Ah, its late. Bed time.

time of my life

So it's September 4th, and it's been a full 3 months since I've last blogged. In the past three months I have climbed mountains, preached to masses (well, if 10 people count as the masses, but in my defense they were complete strangers), gone skinny dipping, and truly fallen in love for the first time. Needless to say, this summer did not turn out exactly how I expected it to, which is not a bad thing. If I were to write about the 10 million things I did this summer, it might take a little while, so how's about some highlights of the summer sound? Here we go...

The Paintbrush/Cascade Canyons Loop was probably one of my favorite hikes, as well as my longest hike. Coming in somewhere between 20 and 21 miles, it was definitely a long day. Mike, Kate, Kirsen and Julie started sometime around 7 or 8am and finished about 9.5 hours later. I would say that we were only hiking for about 8 of those hours though... we liked to stop to pick huckleberries or debate whether or not to skinny dip . The hike brought us from Paintbrush Canyon (named for all of the gorgeous indian paintbrush flowers), to Holly lake, over the Paintbrush divide and down to Lake Solitude, through Cascade Canyon, and then we finally looped around Jenny Lake back to the parking area. It rained for a good 30-60 minutes after we left Lake Solitude, but we all dried off pretty quickly when the sun came out. It was definitely one of my longer days in the Tetons. After a quick shower, we jumped back into the car to head over to Signal Mountain for some dindin. To clue in the clueless, Signal Mountain is known for the huge plates of nachos that they serve (appropriately called "The Signal Mountain of Nachos"). By the time those nachos hit the table, we were ravenous, and devoured those suckers like it was our last meal. But oh, so tasty...

Working in the Tetons had it's ups and downs. Working in retail is... working in retail. Anyone who's done it before knows what I mean. Working in apparel is especially rough. Working in apparel when there are tee-shirt cubes is the roughest it gets (in my opinion at least). We had about 36 cubes of folded teeshirts, and I am continually amazed by how quickly customers can mess it up. But over all, it really wasn't that bad. I got a new manager about half way through the season, which actually made things a lot better. My first manager wasn't bad, but when LaDonna (LD) started, she pretty much let me do whatever I wanted with the apparel section, which was nice. LD was the sweetest boss that I have ever had... she gave us free coffee and cookies, brought cake/brownies for people's birthdays, and really worked hard to accomadate people's scheduling requests. By the end of the season I was glad to leave, but I really do miss some some of my coworkers.

As most of you know, I also spent my summer volunteering with A Christian Ministry in the National Parks (ACMNP). Our main goal was to lead interdenominational Christian worship services on Sundays for people passing through the park. While I was really apprehensive at the beginning of the summer, and at times I would have really liked to have 2 days off, ACMNP was great. The people were amazing, and it was really great to just put aside all of our differences to worship God. Through the ministry I learned how to preach (well, sorta), became more comfortable at leading worship, made some great friends, and of course made a lot of great memories.

One of my biggest achievements of the summer has to be climbing my first mountain. Yup, that's definitely up there. In the wee morning hours of July 10th, Jason, Kirsen, Julie, Jay, Mike and I climbed The Middle Teton, elevation 12,804 ft. We started climbing at 12:45am, and summited at 8:30am. The way up was rough, but definitely one of the most worthwhile things that I have ever done. I got to use and ice axe and cramp-ons to climb massive snow fields and watch the sunrise through the mountains. Sitting on the summit was absolutely incredible, breathtaking, and just plain awesome. Depending where you looked, you could see all of Jackson Hole, a good part of the Teton mountain range, and over into Idaho. Just incredible. The only bad thing was that on the way back I sprained my ankle (again) about 2 miles away from the trailhead. That sucked. But it was still definitely worth it.

So that pretty much sums up my summer, except for one important thing... Now before I left for Wyoming, I had many of friends (especially those of the female variety) tell me that I would meet some nice boy this summer. And what do you know, they were right. Since late May/early June I have been seeing this great guy named Mike (those who know me well can probably see the irony in this and have started to laugh... haha, shut up). But really, I never thought my friends would be right. I always the one that's perpetually single after all... and here I go falling in love. I don't really know where to start when I talk about Mike. "What's he like", "Where does he go to school", and "Where is he now" are usually the two questions that I get asked first. Well, for the curious, he just graduated from Minnesota State and is currently finishing up the season over at Colter Bay. What's he like? Well, I'd probably give a biased account, so you nosy people will just have to find out for yourself. All I can say is that I'm happy (which is a big understatement), and I think that's the most important thing. It's really hard having him so far away, especially considering that cellphone service in the Tetons sucks and I'm pretty much the most awkward person on the phone. I didn't think I could miss someone this much... but I do. October is really too far away, but at least he's comming.

So that's my summer in a nutshell. Tomorrow I start classes and my final year at Tufts. Scary. At this time three years ago I thought I had my life figured out. Now that can't be anything farther from the truth. Just please don't ask me what I'm doing next year, because I don't know yet. Hopefully I can get that all squared away in the next year. But you know what? There's no point in worrying about it, because it's just one decision out of many. Someone once told me that you only need to be 51% sure of something to do it. What I do next year may or may not be what I end up doing for the rest of my life. But you know what, I'm okay with not knowing for right now, I'll just do my best to not screw up too badly. Sounds like a plan :)

*ps: if you want to, you can check out more of my photos at http://community.webshots.com/users/MinikinDreamer. I don't have many up, but hey, it's a start...

Hello from the Tetons! I don't know if anyone checks this anymore, but just incase people do, this is the quickest way to reach a good number of people. So I've been in the Tetons now for about 3 weeks, but it seems like so much longer... Things are absolutely great here. The job isn't too bad, I'm pretty much in charge of the apparel section, which is about 40 to 50% of the store, so it sorta cool to have that responsibility. My coworkers are really fun, and my boss is really nice too. All of the other employees are really fun... it's sorta like summer camp, plus alcohol and a much wider range of ages. And of course there are the Tetons, which are absolutely gorgeous.... I've only gone on a few hikes so far, and I'm looking forward to doing a lot more. I'm borrowing a friend's laptop right now, so this has to be kept short. I hope everyone is doing well, write me letters if you can!

Tara Espiritu
Colter Bay Village
PO Box 606
Moran, WY 83013

wow. I googled my name for the first time in a while, and I'm now linked to all of these websites because of the article about comp sci that i was interview for in the boston globe. And let me just say a few things:
1. it is amazing how awful you sound in a news article.
2. geeze people are harsh.
3. all of you *ahem* special people out there, lay off. you try being a first semester freshman in a class full of upperclassmen with one of the hardest professors in the department... while also doing jv soccer, chamber singers, ballroom dancing team, a religious fellowship group, and trying to adjust to being in college. Yeah.

God did not create me as a perfect person, and I accept that, but my goodness, I want to be. I want to be the perfect student, and the perfect team captain, and the perfect Christian, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter... the perfect everything. Hell, when I grow up I probably want to live in a house with a white picket fence with 2.5 kids and a dog. Not really... but you get the picture. I am fine with the other people's shortcomings (at least most of the time, I'm not perfect), but my own shortcommings? No way. So if we as humans are imperfect by nature, but we are perfect in the eyes of God (or is it just loved in the eyes of God... whatever), are we just doomed to be unhappy with ourselves? Ugh, I just feel so restless and frusterated. What if I do have it all wrong? I guess that's the eternal question... so what. Wouldn't be nice if the answer to life, the universe and everything was really 42? I feel like that would make things so much simpler. Well, maybe not. Who knows... okay, done.

Ugh. Sometimes I just read things that make me livid. Mike Kelly, a staff writer for the Bergen Record (our county's daily paper) is doing a series of articles about "Turning Times in the Holy Land." So completely biased. If his next article isn't better, I am completely submitted an op-ed piece. If you're going to write an informative newspaper article, you should write about both perspectives. Yes, I admit, he did talk about thing from the Palestinian viewpoint for about 3 short paragraphs, but really now... He talks about how The Wall makes people walk more, and makes people help eachother. The example he cited was a a cab driver who helped a women carry a stroller over a pile of rubble. My question is why is she doing that in the first place? "The wall is a great leveler," says Mr. Kelly. Yeah, uh hu. You know what else has to get lifted over piles of rubble? Stretcher on their ways to hospitals from ambulances that cannot make it through the checkpoints. He also failed to mention the tear gas and the fact that parts of The Wall do not separate Palestinaian land from Israeli land, but rather Palestinian land from Palestinian land. Ugh, the more I reread this article, the more enraged I get. And I quote, "'The whole reason I moved here is I believe this is the place where Jews belong,' Buckman said. 'I don't believe we occupy the West Bank. It's ours. It would be nice if we could live with the Palestinians, but they insist on killing us.'" I'm not even going to get into the debate over whether the Jewish people have the right to be there by mandate of God, but just a few points... (1) If you're really going to follow that text, then you should be taking over a lot more land, (2) "killing us" - there have been many tragic, and unwarrented murders of people living in Israeli, and I am not trying to explain those away, but once again, can we discuss palestinian children getting stoned on their way to school by israeli children as their parents watched? Love thy neighbor... right? That really does need to be applied on both sides, but I think we can all agree that two wrongs don't make a right. Don't teach children to hate.

Okay, okay, I'm going to stop preaching now. But I swear, I am going to end up writing a letter to the editor, or leaving comments all over Mike Kelly's blog... Excuse the wrath....

Some spring break reflections:
1. Being home is nice.
2. Home cooked food is yummy.
3. Sleeping in your own bed is nice and yummy.
4. I've started listening to classical music while I drive... interesting. I don't know what to make of that yet.
5. After watching a good amount of FSC (fox soccer channel) I have a couple of conclusions:
-- I miss playing proper outdoor soccer on a big field with 11 players and soccer cleats
-- I would go to europe just to watch a pro-football game there
-- european footballers are nice to look at... actually, the majority of footballers worldwide are pretty nice to look at
6. I want more time at home.

How many innocents must die? How many children and mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters must be killed before people have decided that they have proved their point?

After comming back from Palestine, I was aghast at all of the atrocities that the Palestinian people have to endure. People being chased down in the streets, children getting stoned and shot at on their way to school. For the past two months, Gaza has been completley closed in, isolated from the outside world with no way to keep their economy active, or even to get enough foodstuffs to sustain life. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/21/international/middleeast/21mideast.html?ex=1143608400&en=c2d93b436f2a2c8a&ei=5070&emc=eta1

As I watched Israeli soilders in disbelief, I then thought of how American soilders must be viewed by the Iraqis and other people of the middle east. A week ago was the third anniversary of the US' involvement in Iraq. Three years. And a week ago was the largest bombing run since the beginning of "Gulf War II." And five months ago was the slaughter of 15 Iraqi civilians, specifically five men, seven women, and three children. Imagine waking up from a loud explosion and then watching your grandfather, grandmother, dad, mom, and siblings getting shot point blank. Well thats what Eman saw happen the morning of nov 19th, 2005. Maybe this is just me, but a 9 year old should not have to witness that... no one should. http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1174682,00.html

As I rail on these two governments and armies, let us not forgot the people on the other side... the innocent Israelis killed by suicide bombings and the american families that have lost loved ones. After reading some of these articlies, I just get so disgusted, and saddened, at all of the injustice and hate that's present in our world. A great man once said all you need is love... and to quote from various places...

You shall love your neighbour as yourself.
JUDAISM: Leviticus 19.18

Treat others as thou wouldst be treated by thyself.
SIKHISM: Adi Grandth

Desire not for anyone the things that ye would not desire for
yourselves.
BAHÁ'Í FAITH: Gleanings 66

That nature is only good when it shall not do unto another whatever is
not good for its own self.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Dadistan-i-Dinik

The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these."
CHRISTIANITY: Mark 12.31

Not one of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he
loves for himself.
ISLAM: Forty Hadith of an-Nawawi

Hurt not others with that which pains yourself.
BUDDHISM: Udana 5.13

Regard your Neighbour's gain as your own gain and your neighbour's
loss as your own loss.
TAOISM:T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien

Never do to others what would pain thyself.
HINDUISM: Panchatantra 3.104

Do not do to others what you do not want them to do to you.
CONFUCIANISM: Analects 15.23

Times, they are changing
So it's been about a month since I last posted. I can't believe that it's already halfway through the semester, yet looking at my last post, it seems like that was such a long time ago. Time is relative like that I guess.
The semester is in full swing with classes and clubs and jobs, etc. Classes are generally good, except my engineering psych classes are getting very repetitive, I guess that what happens when you have the same teacher for 6 hours of class a week. Physics is sorta fun, it's tough, but I like math. The one class that I really love is my Introduction to New Testament that I took on a whim. Even though I have been a "practicing Christian" for the past 4 years or so, I can't believe how much I did not know. At least in terms of the history behind the Bible. I never know that Paul never met Jesus, or that most scholars agree that the books of Timothy and Titus were not actually written by Paul. The class has definitely opened my eyes is so many ways. It has also made me question many things that I previously just accepted as truth.
(to be continued...)

Stream of Consciousness # 42
In nights like these, surrounded by the silence of your room with the mutterings of the outside world, I can't help but wonder why I am here. Why am I in this exact spot at this exact moment. At SSJE the other day, the sermon talked about faith, hope and love... well, more specifically, hope. The brother giving the sermon (I can't remember his name) said that not many people preach about hope, but yet it is so essential. Sometimes I think it's easy to lose hope.... after traveling to a war torn country, or having a loved one die, or many other things, it is nearly impossible to see where the hope is. I think we get caught up in the big things so often, and that hope is really in the small things. Hope that tomorrow can be better, in so many ways actually... I wonder if hope is also not worrying about the future. I've come to realize that I have a lot of difficulty living in the present sometimes. I like to play these what-if games a lot of the time, dreaming up all of these scenarios, 99% of them which will never happen. "Just let it flow," my best friend Julie says to me. That's a hard thing to do for control-freaks like me. Letting things flow is admitting that some things (most things) are beyond your power... well, rephrase... you cannot make everything go your way. You can change the small things, but you have no control over the end result. "Let go and let God," is a phrase that I've also heard a lot. It's astounding how my faith in God can vary so much some times... how I can have this heart-filling experience, and then feel so alone later that day. I think that's part of being human though... or maybe that's the difference between joy and happiness... whatever that is. It's funny that I had three different people tell me while in Is/Pal that I should be a minister, because I honestly never thought of it before. Is it something that I would be good at? I don't know. I don't have enough faith, I argued, to which Emily completely disagreed with. Faith. Such a loaded term. It seems like faith and hope are actually the same some time. Reflecting on that, faith and hope are different (to me) because faith seems more solid. Like when you have faith in something, there is no question. Whereas, when you hope about something, you are wishing that something will happen, but are not really sure. Maybe that's where I'm stuck right now, that I am leaning more on hope than on faith. That's an interesting thing to think about, but I feel like that's almost fringing on semantics too much, but who knows, it'll be interesting to explore.

To all of my friends and family, (and now everyone else)

Some of you I have seen very recently, and for others, it has been a long time. As many of you know, earlier this month I took a trip to Israel and Palestine with other college students affiliated with the Episcopal Diocese of Massachusetts. I promised many people I would let them know how the trip went, and I'd like to take this opportunity to share my experiences with everyone.

For twelve days, I spent my time exploring the lands of Israel and Palestine, seeing the wonders of the Holy Land and learning more about the conflict that is occurring there. We stayed in Jerusalem for a total of four days, living in the old city, or just outside of it. During our time there we visited Yad Vashem, the Holocaust memorial of Israel. While this was a very emotional way to start off the trip, it gave us a good background about the situation of which Israel was formed. To give us a crash course about the current situation and conflict, we were briefed by the UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs.

Everything we did was not involved in politics though, the trip also also served as a Christian pilgrimage. In Jerusalem, we visited many of the holy sites in the city, including the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, which is called the Church of the Resurrection by locals. We were also able to visit the Western Wall (aka: the Wailing Wall), which was a great experience. During the rest of our travels, we visited the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, the Primacy of Peter in Galilee, Jericho, and Qumran, where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found. We actually got to take a dip in the dead sea, which was a once in a lifetime experience.

A major chunk of our trip was spent traveling through Palestine, learning about the struggle of the Palestinian people. For four days, we stayed with Palestinian families in Beit Sahour, a city right next to Bethlehem. Before I go on, let me just say that the intention of this email is to not sway your opinion in one way or another, but to simply share all of the stories and sights that I witnessed during my time in Palestine. I've realized that the media does not always tell the entire story, which is true in many situations, and that I would be betraying myself and the others that I have met if I did not share what I have seen.

One of the first stories that my host mother told me was how she was woken up one morning by soldiers, informing her that her apartment was to be seized and demolished because it was "illegal." While nothing more has happened to her home, an Israeli youth peace activist showed us the rubble of Palestinian homes that have been confiscated and demolished for being "illegal."

In the city of Hebron, we walked through the turnstiles and metal detectors that Palestinians had to pass through everyday to walk through their own town. We heard stories of young Palestinian girls getting stoned by settlers as they walked to school, pregnant women and elderly getting tear gassed while trying to pass through a check point, and watched as a group of young Palestinian men were chased down and questioned by Israeli solders.

One of the biggest things we encountered during our time there was the wall (or the barrier as it is called by the UN) that is being built by the Israeli government between Israeli and Palestinian lands, as decided in the 1993 Oslo Accord. This concrete wall, which is approximately twenty feet high, not only separates Palestinians from Israelis, but also brothers from sisters, and children from parents. It runs through the centers of towns, less than 20 meters from houses, or in some cases, running through the space where a house was demolished for the purpose of creating the wall. Many people say that the wall is solely for the purpose of security. This is a valid reason, but then why did solders forbid us to pass through a northern checkpoint into the city of Ramallah, only for us to drive 30 minutes south to pass through an unmanned checkpoint? If the wall was truly for security purposes, I feel like both checkpoints would be manned by soldiers.

I know I must sound awfully biased in this email, and at this point, I guess I still am. My intention is not to make you all pro-Palestine, or to make you anti-Israel. My goal is to spread information, and what I have to offer are stories and pictures. I strongly believe that it is through the transfer of information that peace will come to Israel and Palestine, for in this way people can make informed decisions about who/what they are supporting.

If you are interested in looking at pictures, go to http://IsPal2006.shutterfly.com.

Thank you all for reading this (long) email. Just listening to what I have to say means a lot to me, and also to all of those people whose stories I have just shared. If anyone has any questions about anything I've said, or would like to see more pictures, I would love to talk to you. Other than that, I wish you all the best.

Pax,
Tara