Inside of sacred space you are indestructible, even though you feel quite vulnerable and unsure of yourself in many ways. Inside of sacred space you can love America and critique America at the same time. Inside of sacred space you can weep for the bigger evil of which both sides are victims. Inside of sacred space you can imagine an alternative universe because you have now been there yourself. Inside of sacred space you can - if you can dare imagine it - hear God.
~ Richard Rohr

none of my own

I have so much running through my mind right now, but am having an extremely difficult time putting it on paper (or rather on screen). Since my own words are failing me, I will borrow the words of people that have come before me.

"Love is what you've been through with somebody." ~ James Thurber

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." ~ Washington Irving

"Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love." ~ anon.

"The one who loves you will make you weep." ~ Argentine Proverb

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Maryanne Williamson

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." ~C.S. Lewis


So if you can't tell, I'm feeling a little blah right now. My blah is comming in the form of not wanting to study for tests, only getting passible grades on papers, my complete and utter lack of desire to study, being tired of waiting, the fear of the future and the inability to let go of the past. By concentrating on my blah, I think I am just making it worse. It's another one of those downward spiral thingymabobs. I've always had a hard time living in the present, and this seems to be one of those times. But as always, life moves on, and there are always things to look forward to. The PSF retreat on the Cape is this weekend, which should be nice (hopefully). Mike should also be getting here in a few days, which I am extremely happy about, but also nervous at the same time. It seems that all of my emotions have been getting confused and tangled up of late. Hmmm... decisions about exactly how much to talk about. It's late, and I'm getting slightly delusional, so I think this is the part where I go to sleep...

Turning points

It's been a while, huh? It's even a whole new month now since the last time I wrote. Lots of little things have happened since then, but then again I think life is a continuous series of lots of little things, with occasional big things thrown in every once in a while. Well, I guess it really depends on how you define things, but that's just getting into personal opinions and semantics...

Thing #1: I went to Denver last weekend for the "Young Adult Ministry Network" conference-thingy. I was very nervous comming into the weekend, but I ended up having a great time. I met a bunch of bunch of cool people (and got to bar hop with them... I still have to get used to the idea of going to bars with clergy), networked a bit, learned more about the ECUSA (Episcopal Church, USA), was in a good working group that was working on something tangible, and even managed to get a full 8 hours of sleep both nights I was there, which is a heck of a lot more than I get here. I also got to explore the city of Denver a little bit, which is a gorgeous and clean city. If you go a couple of blocks away from the 16th street mall, you can see the Rockies, which were beautiful and all capped with snow.

(continued approx 24 hours later)

Excuse the broad shift in topic, but anyone knows me knows how I put things off, so this entry will be finished in a manner that was not exactly intended... but it will sort of all tie together in the end I think (I don't like to edit my entries as much anymore, I'm shooting for the free flowing, so get ready for a bunch of rambling)

So it has certainly been an interesting week for various reasons that I will not really delve into. One of emotional highs and lows, but also of important realizations. With the more experiences I have, the more that I am inclined to think that it is really through the times of trial that you learn about yourself and grow. It might be hard to find the growth, but it's there.

I tend to live a very comparitive lifestyle. For some reason, it is one of the only ways that I am able to define myself. While this is bad in itself, it is worse because I usually seem to come out on the losing side of the comparison. "Oh, I'm not as popular as she is," or "I wish I knew what I was doing after graduation like him," or "She's cuter than I am," blah blah blah, yadda yadda. Quick, someone psychoanalyze me and tell me why I do this. I think it carries over from that 'dark' period during middle school. Needless to say, I usually end up feeling pretty crappy. Granted, I've gotten better over the years, but still not completely healthy I think. It seems wrong that I have a hard time just setting personal standards for myself and defining myself by them.

But despite all of my shortcomings, part of me realizes that (overall) I am a good person with many talents and a lot to give. I am in no way, shape or form perfect, but then again, we were not designed that way, at least that's what I think. I think think there is beauty in people's faults (most of them anyway... people still shouldn't commit murder or such). And the truth of the matter is that sometimes people just plain fuck up, and thats the truth of the matter. People do things that hurt other people, the world sucks, I'm going to eat more because no one loves me, I'm fat, blah blah, bad downward spiral. (Sorry, that last sentence was a complete tangent, but girls, you probably recognize that bad spiral that we fall into occasionally.)

All things considered, screwing up does not make you a bad or wretched person. Yes, your history shapes you, but it does not define you. Your life is not some stagnant thing that you just watch go by as a casual observer. Everyday you have opportunities to do something different and new. Everyday you have the chance to wipe away the old and re-invent yourself. Every day.

So you're not perfect. Big deal. People still love you. And you know, if you need help, ask for it (this is something I need to practice myself, but hey, didn't I say that no one is perfect?) Accept what you've done and move on. (Am I getting redundant yet?)

Going back to the turning point thing, what a year this has been. I am a senior in college who is trying to pick up a second major who is still trying to decide what to do with her life. Chances are that I won't be able to decide for a while, but I'm learning to wait and be patient. Something that we've been talking about at AND recently is how God does not have a plan for yourlife, but rather that you are God's plan for your life and that you and God would be happy if you did things X, Y, Z, Q and R... I just lost my train of thought staring at this candle that is flickering on my desk, and I don't even really know what I'm trying to say. I think at any given point, people really don't know what do say and are just making noise.

This year is shaping up to be an interesting one. So much has happened in the past month, it's absolutely incredible. To be honest, I am scared about what's going to happen next. But in a way, I am also excited to be moving forward. Life happens... shit happens... and wonderful things happen as well. Here's to things to come...