weaker sex
I, being the big dork that I am, was flipping through the channels tonight and happened upon a show entitled "Science of the Sexes" on the Discovery Channel (oooo, gotta love it). anyway, they were discussing about how genetically, females naturally have weaker body types than males. We (as in the female gender) have smaller hearts (pumps blood slower) and a smaller lung surface area. But while men are better equiped for short spurts of energy, overall females have better endurance... With odds against us, more power to all of the female atheletes out there... with nature working against us, we still kick arse at the sports we play and the stuff we do... hmmm... I think that's why I play a little harder when I train with the boys... I feel like I have something to prove... like I have to prove that I can play soccer with the best of them even though I'm a girl... or I can at least hold my own. ::smile:: ooo yeeeahhhhhh....

Things feel very hectic right now...

score!
the US just got permisson to host the 2003 FIFA Women's World Cup!!! How awsome is that! ahhhhhh... I am so going to every game on the east coast... who wants to go?!?

late recolections just a little something that i forgot to write about earlier
When the coach of the other team complimented me on my playing during the game, was it because he thought I was good or did he feel sorry for me? (My bandana got knocked off during that game) I really hope it was the former. I really dislike it when people pity me. It's not like I have a life debilitating disease. This also brings me back to the question of whether or not I should just shave my head and getting it all over with. If I shaved my head, I could just walk around bald and not have to worry about it anymore... I still find many problems with this solution though. One: I don't know if I have the guts to walk around bald yet; two: I would have to shave my head basically everyday because I still have hair that's growing; three: it gets quite chilly in the winter and fall and hair is good insulation (haha, I'm reaching now); four: I'm still hoping that all of my hair will grow back. I know it's stupid to still wish and pray that, but I can't give it up. I feel like hair is a really important thing to people, especially to girls. It's a source of pride... as much as we complain about having bad hair days, you still would rather deal with it than not have it at all...
Or maybe this is just one of those things that I reading too deeply into. As much as I pride myself on being a strong person, I'm really not. It's just that no one sees me when I'm weak. I wish that I didn't care what people think of me, but I do. I am not an individual person dammit. I don't want to be different. I want to grow up and be happily married with 2.5 kids and a pet. I want the strong Chrisitan family where everyone goes to church on Sunday. I want to go outside without sneezing my head off. I want to be able to run around without carrying around an inhaler. I want wake up in the morning and complain about having a bad hair day. I want to walk down the street on the left side of my friend without worrying that I won't hear what's they're saying. I want to be "normal," whatever that is anyway...
As much as I want all of these things, I can't change the way I am. I can only learn to deal with it. And thats what I do everyday, I deal with it. Now I'm not as skilled as others about brushing away their problems, but I'm getting there. Part of me likes all the problems that I have with my body, they make me special, they make me unique. They make me everything I am today. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing though. I guess these problems don't really bother all that much in the big picture of things... but sometimes it just all gets to me... sometimes it too hard to be strong... sometimes...

soccering dawn to dusk
mmm... that was a little too much soccer for one weekend... hahaha, actually, I'm a big wus, but what else is new? For the uninformed, the Teaneck Stingrays U-19 girls team played in a soccer tournament at Manalapan this weekend. The tournament was fun, our record sucked like no other, but we played pretty well and the scores were close. It was good times overall... The girls on my team totally kick ass, I got some sweet bruises, and soccer is just the best sport in the world. We didn't get to putt-putt unfortunately because the schedules were completely screwed up, but its all good.

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."
~Albert Camus

prom, after-prom, and other randomness
this will be in random little blurbs, because if i try to make it into a coherent story, it'll be quite long... ah, and stuff in italics from this point on are new inside jokes
ahhh yess, so the Senior Prom for 2003 was on wednesday... definitely not worth the $90 prom bid, well actually $180 since I was paying for two bids... everything was too expensive in general, I still would have rather taken all the money I spent on prom and went on a trip to florida or something of the sort, but moving right along. I got my hair done, in addition to it taking forever, it also looked like a bunch or crap, so I went home, brushed it out, and did it myself. Big freakin waste of time. It just didn't feel like prom, it was just another party... and it is possible to play something other than hip-hop, r&b, and reggae? apparently not... plus the whole entire weirdness thing. not to mention the gross stuff ahhhh!!! I did not want to see that!!:: Caroline's (comedy club) was quite funny, the asian guy at the end was definitely the funniest I make noises when I move because I'm asian ~ Jailbait? your such a craddlerobber!! ~ maccaroni and cheese anyone? ::winkwink:: staying up till 6 to "watch" the sunrise was fun though... after-prom was dandy, I'm sorta regretting that I left early so I can play in my soccer tournament tomorrow. anyways, afterprom highlights: scaring the crap out of leigh and nicks in the car, having diner at Olive Garden would you like cheese with that?, watching Empire Records and Sixteen Candles (two fabulous movies), being tinkerbell at the grocery store I'm better nicole!, singing disney and b-way songs while rafting on the Delaware ahhhhhhh na-ka-yaaaaa lagadaveeee-gee-sha-doeee, learning sign language from Jason (very cool dude by the way) how do you sign "fuck" nicole? lets stick to the friends version ;) ....it was such good times even though I had to keep the peace sometimes, and besides the fact that food should not be talked to, and that it was butt cold on the river... all of the annoying things seem funny now... good memories for later on in life

come one, come all to the annual THS Showoff... 5pm till whenever the last person leaves (I'd say a good 1.5 to 2 hrs)... FDU parking lot... it'll be a grand ole time :)

late night musings
leigh and I had another night-driving session last night... thats one thing I'm going to miss in college, but as I was saying... we were musing about friends, enemies, lovers, and relationships in all senses. I came to the conclusion that no matter how good of friends you are with a person, there is always going to be something about them that grates your nerves like nothing else. And there's nothing you can do about that... but I've now decided that it's human nature to feel that way, so you shouldn't feel bad about it. we also talked about how we now doubt the seriousness of everthing that was said to us in past relationships. Especially when we know that there's another person in the picture now. Does everyone do this, or just me and leigh? I think the former... ah well, life goes on, i just need to learn how to live in the present more...

When I fall in love I take my time. There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind .You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why .Because the remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison. I say the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words. I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on, So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end. I wont worry my life away. I wont worry my life away. I wont and I wont and I wont...

row row row your boat
I went rafting today with Kat, Paul, and Marisa via Whitewater Challengers, it was quite fun :) and I got to work out my arms a bit, which is always a good thing. The bad part was that when you weren't rowing hard, it was but cold because the water was only 50ish and there was a constant breeze. Still good times though. Lots of water fights with people that I don't really know, lots of laughing, lots of gorgeous scenery. Oooo, on the subject of water fights, many kudos to my sis who jumped in the water to steal a bailing bucket to use as a water weapon... mwhahaha... Bob (this old guy who made some remark about how girls couldn't raft) definitely got what was coming to him. The current in most parts was a good pace too, so not a lot of strenuous rowing... ahh... the great outdoors :D

Do you ever feel like your existance on earth is pointless? Sometimes I feel that if I don't make a big impact on the world during my lifetime, then I've failed as a human being. Everything I think that I have some talent in has got shot down sometime in my life, and will continue to. Lets review, shall we? People think I'm good at soccer, mainly because I live in Teaneck and the program here isn't that strong. Yes I got into all-state, but some of the best singers in the state don't get into all-state. Its all about who blends. Someone that has a nice voice can get rejected just because they're a bit of a diva. I get decent grades, but don't really excel in any subject. And my faith? wow... I'll just say that I have fallen so far... I know that I can still be saved, but it hasn't reached into the inner depths of my soul yet... and I'm such a hypocrite on top of everything, which I hate because I hate hypocrites. I guess I'm a certified mess. What makes this all pathetic is that I'm one of the luckiest people on the earth. Here I am complaining about how I don't have anything in my life when people 10 minutes away (by car) don't have a place to sleep at tonight or breakfast to eat tomorrow morning. I can basically do whatever I want to, while women half way across the world get stoned for having their face uncovered. Self pity will, no is, my downfall, and I really don't even deserve that. I yearn to lay down my burdens at the foot of the Cross, but there's something inside of me holding me back, and I have yet to discover what that is... As much as I would like to rant and rave about how these feelings are a product of 7th and 8th grade, there is never anyone to blame except for myself. And thats the truth.

ugh... why do I let stupid little petty things get to me like this? It really shouldn't bother me. at least not this much. chalk it up to my self-confidence problems I guess.
in other news, I saw Matrix Reloaded for the second time today... still absolutely amazing :) and yes, there was a point to seeing it again. I got things this time that I missed when I saw it on wednesday night, and I also got to see the trailer for Matrix Revolutions... Fil and I left during the credits last time so I missed it... oh man, now I really can't wait till Nov 5th...

Friday Five
1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?
uhhh.. i really don't care. tap is just fine (as long as I'm not at school ::shudder::) but i usually have bottled just because it's easier to grab when your running out of the house
2. What are your favorite flavor of chips?
Nacho cheese... or whatever the regular dorito flavor is... Hey guys! what kind of cheese is not your cheese?
3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?
I'm guessing that this includes baking so Apple Pie :) mmmm... yummyyyy... oooo, or chocolate cake!
4. How do you have your eggs?
scrambled or easy over
5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?
My mom.. just dandy :)

soccer follies
dood... what is it with me and making the stupidest mistakes at soccer practice? I did the letting-the-ball-role-under-my-foot thing again today in practice. TWICE!!! geeeezzzeee... that makes five times... damn... I've decided that I have to do it at least once in each practice... ya know, looking that stupid all by yourself takes talent :D

The Matrix Reloaded
::gasp:: so incredible..... no words... go see it... but man, I can't wait till November, talk about cliff hangers... one other thing though, I love going to movies when the audience is sooo into it, it makes the movie so much better, dont ya think?

Most people like having their parents buy stuff for them, right? They why does it make me feel guilty? I feel like them buying stuff for me makes me a spoiled brat. sigh. I'm so weird. or it could just be that I'm really against getting a new pair of cleats right now when the copas that I have right now are perfectly fine. My dad said "oh, you'll need it for college so you need to break them in right now." My retort (unvoiced of course): one, my copas a fine; two, who knows what level of soccer I'll be playing at Tufts; three, copas are expensive and I/we have to pay for prom right now... my father is so freaking stubborn... at least you know who i get it from...

One of the best feelings I've had in a while was driving up to the high school today to drop off my term paper and realizing that I never have to take another class at THS... ooo, sooo niceee... in other news, I had training today. oye. don't get me wrong, I really like training, its fun :) but dood, I'm sooo horrible... first of all, I was late to practice because I forgot that training starts at 7 not 7:30.. and I was out helping ray pick out tux stuff, so I ended up getting to practice around 7:15ish.. not too bad, but still... oh and I hate when Mike (that's our trainer) uses me to demonstrate a drill because I end up getting really nervous and try to hard and then succeed in making a really basic mistake and looking like I have absolutely no skill... so he passes me the ball and when I try to trap it, it just rolls under my foot... not to mention that I did the same exact thing at the last training session, twice... ahh, redeeming factor: I scored 3 goals for my team when we were scrimmaging... score :) oo, and another plus, I popped my ankle today, which acutally made it feel a lot better... its not so stiff anyone... haha, ahhh, the wonders of the human body...

ahhhhh!!! evil term paper be gone from my midst!!!! ::grumble grumble:: May death be brough upon evil AP history teachers... especially those named Singerline...

today's highlights

• riding around in esther's car with Anthony hanging out of the skylight shouting about the car wash that we were having... and the looks that we got from the people at the track meet
  
• dinner at Moon Street with the gang for Fil's b-day
  
• watching Ray take off his pants on stage (oooo sexxyyyyy)
  
• seeing BCA chorus people that I haven't seen in the longest time
  
• driving home with the windows down and DC in the stereo

*sidenote: I still think its funny when some of my soccer teammates don't recognize me w/o a bandana on... haha, excuse my weirdness but I find if humerous :)

Free at last!!!
Today was the last day of class I will ever attend at Teaneck High School... My highschool career is officially over! ahhh, i can't believe it! I'm so estatic! Starting on monday, we have senior service! this is so great! no more waking up at 7:45... uhh, I mean 7:15.. to get ready for school.. no more getting stuck behind stupid freshman in the hallways that don't know how to walk.. no more crappy highschool food.. no more ths!!!! ahhhh, you don't understand how great this is. unlike most people, I'm not sad about leaving. And I am definitely not going to miss it, not at all. mm.. such greatness.. just have to finish, or actually do, my God forsaken history term paper and I'll be all done! wooo!!!

"Good writers imitate, great writers steal." ~ Nabakov
with that said, part of Unsent by Alanis Morissette..
dear lou, we learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time, and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could. we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. I will always have your back and be curious about you and your career your whereabouts...

i hade posd nasal drap. ::sniiiffff:: I hade allergieth. I hade pollen ad grath ad de damn conthruction eople id ma skthool.. ::achoooo:: dorry...

dammit dammit dammit... I need a job... anyone have any suggestions? Ben&Jerry's is out because they're not looking for people who are interested in summer jobs... I guess I should get cracking on that Border's Ap....

"Sometimes, I wish I was brave; I wish I was stronger; I wish I could feel no pain; I wish I was young; I wish I was shy; I wish I was honest. Cause I feel so mad; I feel so angry; feel so careless; so lost, confused, just mad; sometimes I wish I was smart; I wish I made cures for how people are; I wish I had power; I wish I could lead; I wish I could change the world for you and me..."
~Boxcar Racer

street signs and wrong turns
I just got home from another car adventure with Jamie... man, I haven't seen him since a bunch of us (us being gov school kids) met up to watch Dong play football... and yes, I know I should have been studying, but screw it... anyways, as normal we got a little lost on the way. Haha, we always get lost when we're driving with eachother. So I get a txtmsg from him asking me if I want to come watch his girlfriend's softball game with him (it was supposed to be in Teaneck), I say, shure, why not, since I haven't seen him in ages, and he picks me up and we hit the road. So first I direct him to TJ, because that's where all of the softball games are... they're not there, so we hit up BF to see if they're there... no luck. At this point, Jamie's not sure if the game is even in Teaneck anymore, so he calls around and finds out that the game is at AHA (academy of the holy whores... ::coughcough:: I mean holy angles) I don't exactly know how to get there so I call Emma to get directions from her, realize that she sucks at giving directions, and then mapquest us a route over there. Let me just say that mapquest sucks. First we got onto Grand Ave going the wrong way (they NEVER clarify) and then once we were going the right way, we look for a street that we were supposed to turn onto, only to find that we can't go any further.. so after stopping to ask for directions twice, we finally get to the school at around 5:45ish... we end up only getting a chance to watch 1 inning cause the 10-run mercy rule was called... Some would read this and say that the car trip sucked.. but I beg the differ... Getting lost in a car is pretty fun sometimes, especially when it's with someone that you haven't seen the the longest time... ahhh, the summer memories of getting lost in Wayne, hahaha... but it truely was nice seeing him again and getting to catch up... man, I miss gov school...

hahahaha
"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side."
~Stuart Turner

ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! ohhhhh myyyyy gooosshhhhh!!!! season finale of ALIAS!!!! sooooo gooooddd!!! ahhhhhhhhh!!! shes been missing for two years?!?! will's alive???!?!?! VAUGNH IS MARRIED?!?!?!?

I have a lot of things to apologize for, or at least in my mind, it seems that way. As I once heard, "hindsight is the best insight," and all that I can see right now are all of my mistakes. The problem is not knowing if I should... and if I should, would I be able to summon up enough courage to go up and talk to you. Knowing me, I probably wouldn't. True to my form, I would end up writing a letter or an e-mail or something of the sort that wouldn't require me to actually look into your eyes. What I would see there would probably shatter the calm facade that I struggle to uphold, and everything would come pouring out. As you read this, I hope that you can read between the lines and find the things that I am not saying. I hope you can see all of the apologies that for the moment will remain unvoiced. And most of all, I hope that you will accept them. Please try to understand that I am scared and that I am afraid. Try to see the sincerity of my words. Do not forget about all of my past actions, rather, look upon them in a new light. Let me change what you think of me, let me have another chance. The future is all I have.

"Sometimes you sit and think, and you wonder if he can see it in your eyes...can he tell you still love him...that there's nothing you would rather think about than the times he held you in his arms...can he see the tears? Cause they sure are there...deep down, sure enough, along with the pain and the loneliness that you bury so deep you're sure no one can tell. Sometimes you would give anything imaginable to be able to make him understand...to have one more chance to make him know how much he meant...to be able to feel complete...but you smile through it all...you talk like you always used to, the best of friends...and every time he smiles at you a tiny little pang of hope springs up, but you crush it before it can surface, before it can give you away...and you hug him good-bye like it's nothing...while all you want to do is hold on forever...but you let go, smile and walk away...then cry all the way home because you know it will never be the same...because try as you might you can't make someone love you, sometimes you have to let them be free...and letting go, that is when love hurts the most."

note: this was gotten from Laur's blog.. I thought it was really good, and considering the mood I'm in, decided to post it on my blog....
my randomness: I hate the fact that one of my best talents is the ability to royally f*ck things up...

Friday Five
1. Name one song you hate to admit you like.
"Fighter" by Christian Augilera
2. Name two songs that always make you cry.
hmm... i guess I would have to say "Ghost" by the Indigo Girls... and.. ummm... "My Immortal" by Evanescence, oh and I have to have a third, "Kissing You" by Des'ree
3. Name three songs that turn you on.
I'll pass on this one
4. Name four songs that always make you feel good.
"Invincible" by Pat Benatar, "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor, mmm, "No Such Thing" by John Mayer, "Somewhere out there" by Our Lady Peace
5. Name five songs you couldn't ever do without.
"Shout to The Lord" ~ heyhey, no laughing, I love my Chrisitan music :) ~ ummm, "No Such Thing" by John Mayer, "Seasons of Love" from Rent, "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional, "Holy, Holy, Holy" as performed by passion (when they also sing the song in swahili)

*disclaimer: there are probably a lot of songs that I am forgetting, and would most definitely knock others off this list... there's just so much good music out there :)

As much as I tell myself that I want to forget, and pretend that I have already forgotten... I can't. And I don't want to. It's as simple in that. I regret all of those decisions that I made in the heat of the moment, but what can I say to make it any better? Apologies do not wipe away the fact that I am immature. So I remain here, grasping wildly at a last string of hope. Hope for what? friendship. or cordialness. yes. thats always a good place to start. so do something. No, no more actions from my side, I've done enough to kill the situation already. So I'll just sit. and wait. wait for a letter... a message... a note... anything. waiting for something that will probably never come. seems like I'm always waiting for something...

I miss all my tree huggers!!!
randomness, yes i know, but much love too all of my GSE02 crew!!!

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
~ John Burrough