late recolections just a little something that i forgot to write about earlier
When the coach of the other team complimented me on my playing during the game, was it because he thought I was good or did he feel sorry for me? (My bandana got knocked off during that game) I really hope it was the former. I really dislike it when people pity me. It's not like I have a life debilitating disease. This also brings me back to the question of whether or not I should just shave my head and getting it all over with. If I shaved my head, I could just walk around bald and not have to worry about it anymore... I still find many problems with this solution though. One: I don't know if I have the guts to walk around bald yet; two: I would have to shave my head basically everyday because I still have hair that's growing; three: it gets quite chilly in the winter and fall and hair is good insulation (haha, I'm reaching now); four: I'm still hoping that all of my hair will grow back. I know it's stupid to still wish and pray that, but I can't give it up. I feel like hair is a really important thing to people, especially to girls. It's a source of pride... as much as we complain about having bad hair days, you still would rather deal with it than not have it at all...
Or maybe this is just one of those things that I reading too deeply into. As much as I pride myself on being a strong person, I'm really not. It's just that no one sees me when I'm weak. I wish that I didn't care what people think of me, but I do. I am not an individual person dammit. I don't want to be different. I want to grow up and be happily married with 2.5 kids and a pet. I want the strong Chrisitan family where everyone goes to church on Sunday. I want to go outside without sneezing my head off. I want to be able to run around without carrying around an inhaler. I want wake up in the morning and complain about having a bad hair day. I want to walk down the street on the left side of my friend without worrying that I won't hear what's they're saying. I want to be "normal," whatever that is anyway...
As much as I want all of these things, I can't change the way I am. I can only learn to deal with it. And thats what I do everyday, I deal with it. Now I'm not as skilled as others about brushing away their problems, but I'm getting there. Part of me likes all the problems that I have with my body, they make me special, they make me unique. They make me everything I am today. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing though. I guess these problems don't really bother all that much in the big picture of things... but sometimes it just all gets to me... sometimes it too hard to be strong... sometimes...