ramblings of incoherence

so many things running through my mind right now. thoughts of depression. thoughts of spirituality. thoughts of purity. thoughts of friendship. thoughts...

so many threads, but only one can be voiced at one time.

We always think that the grass is greener on the other side, when actually it's just as brown as the land that we stand on ourselves. I'm always amazed when I learn about someone's bout of depression that I never knew of before. The person usually seemed okay to me. Or maybe they were just good at hiding it, like me. Whenever the subject comes up now-a-days, I always feel drawn to share my little story. Talking about it does help to a certain extent. I'm probably just looking for what I think of as long-overdue sympathy. But when I listen to other people, I always wonder how depressed they really were. Were they as bad as I am? Did they cry themselves to sleep everynight for a year or more? It's strange to hear yourself saying, yeah, I thought about killing myself before. But it's definitely stranger to hear, "you did? oh me too." I'm really saddened by the number of people that succomb to depression in today's society. Does our society just over-react? Or have people gotten meaner and more heartless? Can I really say that I was depressed though? I never went to a psychiatrist despite the suggestions of my mom. All I have to go on are the research and papers that I've done over the years.

I think I'm doing pretty badly as a Chrisitan right now. I hardly do my quiet times anymore, I curse too easily (I'm getting better though), I get nothing out of church, and I am just so distant from God. But as one of my 'brothers' said to me, I haven't been drinking, smoking, or having promiscuous sex, so I'm really not doing that badly. I hate this feeling though. This feeling of emptyness. This void in my life. I need to be refreshed, and keep saying that once I get into college that things will be better beacuse I'll have more Chrisitans to talk to. But will it? Will I find those people and will it be the "jump start" that I've been looking for? I don't want to extend this part of my life any further though. I'm trying, but I'm going no where fast. I can listen to Christian music all I want, but that doesn't mean my relationship with God will automatically get better.

In the normal style of friends, I give my advice to people concerning relationship matters when they ask for my input. When my "churchy" friends ask for my advice though, I feel like I have a bigger duty towards them than just a friend. I feel like I also have a duty to council them as a fellow child of God. I know that I am not the perfect Christian, but I also know that its wrong to totally ignore that aspect of mine and their lives. I always run the risk of being hypocritical though, and I definitely do not want to be a hypocrite. So what should I say then? I can't respond as a "normal" teen would, because I am not a "normal" teen. But then again, what is normal anyway? I happen to think that the "normal" teen is not very religious/spiritual, and that the "normal" teen doesn't have my seemingly strange and archaic views on dating. But my view of "normal" is based on the people that I am surrounded by. And I know for a fact, that my view of "normal" is very different from say, my sister's view of "normal."

mental block. to be continued...