Once again it is the wee hours of the morning and I am procrastinating when I should be in bed. Seems like good time for some reflection. I really envy those who know what they want to do with their lives. As a matter of fact, I envy those who know anything about what they want. As part of my indecisiveness, I can never decide what I want. Recently I have had to decide what to major in, who I should pick as my advisor, where/if I should go abroad, what classes to take next semester, if I should date if the opportunity arises, do I want a boyfriend, what I should share with my friends about my life... really the list goes on and on. That person sure hit the nail right on the head when they said that life is just a bunch of small choices. To bad the small choices are so hard for me to make. It doesn't help that my mood or my opinions can change like the wind. And when they do, I usually end up screwing myself over, or screwing over some very nice person. If I haven't shared before, I have decided that my problem is that I look to far into things. I have trouble letting thing go and just letting them "flow," as Julie would say. Ha. Me relinquish control? Never. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I'm struggling so much with my faith right now. To "let go and let God" would mean loosing my grip on my life. I don't think I can do it. Not right now at least. What happened to the trust that I used to have in God? It disappeared somewhere over the past few weeks/days/years. If I try hard enough I can remember what it felt like to have that trust though. I feel it in short little bursts occasionally though... like at this past Friday Forum and Sunday service. It was amazing. You feel like nothing can go wrong, and even if it does, it's okay beacause God is there to protect you. I know the statement I made is true, I just have a hard time believing in it sometimes. Just give me a little direction Lord. Let me know I'm on the right path. In the lyrics of Michael W. Smith,

"If there are millions down on their knees, among the many can you still hear me? Hear me asking, 'Where do I belong? Is there a vision that I can call my own? Show me...' I'm looking for a reason, roaming through the world to find my place in this world. Not a lot to lean on, I need your light to help me find my place in this world.