grrrr.. perfect time to sprain my ankle... this means, 1) no five borough bike on sunday and most importantly 2) no soccer for at least a week.. prob even two because my mom's anal... grrr

woah. I haven't had anyone call me beautiful in a while... definitely caught me off gaurd there for a bit.. even if it was only in a friendly/platonic manner... ahh, and we know how I get in regards to things like this. I'm a completely blubbering, overreacting, idiot. I think that I did well this time though :) I'm learning... slowly but surely... no more getter swept of my feet, especially in college... anyone like to volunteer to keep tabs on me?

ahhh... I looovveee free scoop day at Ben & Jerry's... they have the yummest ice cream.. well, Bichoffs beats some flavors, but you can't beat chocolate chip cookie dough... yummmm... oo, and I asked the guy if they were hiring and he said yes! so I'm heading back on thurs to pick up an application because they ran out.. yayyyyy :) in other news, Dashboard Confessional kicks major butt and I'm in the best mood from free ice cream and listing to nicole be lewd (its hilarious to watch/listen to) and from listening to DC and from griping about the opposite sex w/ laur on the way home... ahhh... life is great right now :)

"This is incredible. Starving, insatiable, yes, this is love for the first time. Well you'd like to think that you were invincible. Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time? Well this is the last time."

The name game
The name of Tara has created a congenial nature with the desire to associate in friendship and understanding both socially and in the business world. Peaceful and settled conditions appeal to you and you are naturally desirous of having the security of a home, where your life could follow a definite pattern, and where you would not have to make major decisions. You find it difficult to take a definite stand, partly because you lack confidence, and also because you dislike any issues which create dissension between people. Procrastination is a weakness of your nature, causing an inability always to complete your plans or to concentrate for long. You need to see a concept presented completely in detail before you can understand it, and if you cannot understand it, you come to your own conclusion and often fail to listen to and reason out another's point of view. You resist being forced into change and could become almost impervious to new ideas. You desire refinement, understanding, and appreciation, yet sometimes your outward attitude does not reveal your innermost feelings, and thus you have never felt truly understood. Your name has given you a desire for heavy, rich foods, which cause sluggish digestion. You could suffer with constipation, stomach, or intestinal disorders, or disturbances in the fluid functions of the body.
I found this site while browsing through blogs on blogger.com, and I found it pretty interesting. Apparently, you type in your name and it give you a detail analysis. I found that it hit the nail right smack dab on the top of the head for some parts. How funny is that last part though? ... So what does your name mean?

driving follies
My drive to school this morning started off uneventfully, nothing out of the norm. There was some traffic and whatnot getting off the bridge that passes over the RR tracks, but that always happens. I was just a tad surprised that it was that backed up at that time of the morning (it was around 7:55) because it usually doesn't get that backed up until 7:05ish. After crossing Palisade Ave, I noticed that we were hardly moving... when I got close enough to see the traffic light on Queen Anne Rd, I realized that it wasn't changing.. It was continually red. Following the actions of other drivers, I pulled a k-turn so I could bypass the light.. as I drove back turned onto Palisade, it was sooo incredibly backed up, people blocking the intersection and everything... if you've read this far (crazy person) all I have to say is.. ahhhh... gotta love Teaneck ;)

sweet
Teaneck: 5
Bayonne:1

bummer
THS Madrigals: 2nd place out of 2 choirs
THS Mixed Choir: 3rd place out of 3 choirs
basically, we suck the worst

ramblings
some interesting converstions that I had tonight... mind you, all while I was trying to do work. I spent most of my time (a good 2 hours at least) trying to convince one of my friends that he is not a worthless shmuck... I think I definitely won most parts of the conversation... I can be pretty ferevent (right word?) about somethings when I want to be. especially when my friends start to talk like that... I promised myself when I was younger that I would never let any of my friends feel as bad as I did back then.. because I felt like I was the scum of the earth (thats an understatement actually).. not a pleasant feeling... I don't reccomend.. mm... I also spent some time talking to my other friend and his friends who were quite tipsy to say the least. Hahaha, let me personally say that drunk people are quite the funniest sometimes.. not to mention that they get extreemly complimentary.. hahaha. nice? shure. sexy? definitely not... ahhh, but being the sXed person (whatever the definition of that is anyway) and good friend that I am, had to give my shpeal about not driving when your drunk... I'd have to say, Mission: Accomplished.

I think I just did something very stupid...
correction: okay, not necessarily stupid, but I think I gave up to easily on something... its great to be vague sometimes...

do I push people away? or do I just not make the effort to develope good relationships in my life? ahhh.. fakeness.. that's all this is. in other happenings, today's friday. which means that I have to go back to school in 3ish days.. God help me through these next 2/3 weeks...

my post from yesterday go deleted.. strangeness...

tufts or georgetown... tufts or georgetown... yes. I thought I had already decided too... I guess not... tufts... georgetown....

places to visit / things to see:

machu picchu Mount Rushmore great wall of China Grand Canyon The northern lights The Taj Mahal

The great pyramids the Leaning Tower of Pisa The Parthanon Christ the Redeemer (Brazil) the Red Square (Russia) the Colosseum

to be continued...

dammit. the estimate to get my car fixed is like $1300... screw people that have no respect for other people's property.

what to do... what to do... decisions that can effect the next four year of my life. decisions that effect what I do today. decisions that effect what I will do tomorrow. predestination huh... then why aren't things laid out nice and neat infront of me? damn my indecision. damn my cowardness. damn you/this/it/everyone for screwing around with my mind. most of all, damn me.. for I am the one that is suffering because of torment I bring upon myself.

life is but a dream...
I often feel as if the world is slipping away all around me... mm... sounded like a good opener, I forgot what I was going to say though... something that's constant is the never-ending train of questions that endlessly runs through my mind... questions of life. love. friendship. mysteries... There is so much that I don't know... they say that ignorance is bliss... I'd rather know the heart-wrenching truth, but that's just me... What school should I go to? Am I passing up an opporunity of a lifetime by not going to Georgetown? Will I have friends there? What am I goign to major in? Why do I torment myself like this? Why can't I move on? Does he still think about me? Does she? Do they? Where am I going in life? Why can't I be more decisive? Should I play soccer in college? Who will I keep in touch with next year? ...and who will I forget? Am I in for the shock of my life? Who am I? What am I? What happens when we die? Why are the clouds white and the sky blue? Why is there so much sadness...

Ticket please
Ooooo, I just saw Bend It Like Beckham and I it was really good!! It was a lot better that I thought it would be, :) I didn't have high expectations for it... Quick rundown: Jess wants to play soccer, and she's really good, except that her parents don't think it's proper for a young indian girl such as herself to be playing football (as they say in the UK), yadda yadda yadda... I told you it was a quick rundown.. what did you expect? hahaha, but moving right along... the plot was good, pretty funny at some parts... the soccer was good, oh! expect for this one part. Jess scores a goal by lofting it over a wall of players and gets it in the top, far-post cornor. now that definitely happens all the time in games, except that the wall was covering the near-post, but so was the keeper. That makes noooo sense whatso ever. The keeper should have been covering the far post. If anything, Jess would have lofted it over the wall to get it in near-post.. hahah, me and my sister definitely caught that one :) ... ooo, and did I mention that Joe (the coach) is pretty damn cute? (hahaha, you must excuse my girliness, but yeah, I'm allowed). Joe is played by Johnathan Rhys Meyers, very very cute.. hahaha, yea yea, I'm a pathetic loser, I know. I reserve the right to be, so there... hehehehe, oh and did I mention the funny asian parents? What a great combo over all... if anyone wants to see it, I'll see it again :) give me a ring

"I think life is really hard sometimes. It's not easy to wake up every day and go through what you go through. But the beautiful moments that you share with people that you love, or even experience alone, are worth all of the pain and sorrow. Those moments should be cherished, and I think that's what music is all about - to remind people of the beautiful moments that are in everybody's life."
~ Charlie Haden, Grammy Winning Jazz Artist

oh yes, can we go over how I'm furious? Apparently someone decided it would be nice to leave a nice long scratch along the side of my car and not leaving a note to own up to their damages.. grrr... I've come to the conclusion that it had to happen at the library because I parked on the left side of Elizabeth at school today (the scratch/dent is on the drivers side)... I probably didn't notice walking to my car because I had my arms fulls of books (my dad pointed it out to me when I got home)... what a bastard. I would have left a note and payed for damages.. but oh no. hrumph. my car isn't even a year old yet! I'm like, come on. Do we not have any respect for other people's property? and its not like the person couldn't have not noticed that they hit my car because the scratch/dent goes from the cornor of my back fender to the middle of the back door... I'm so incredibly pissed...
On a good note though, I had a very productive day of shopping. I went to kohls with Emma and I helped her pick out sunglasses and got some stuff on sale for me that I really needed. Then we hit up The Wiz by the Garden State Plaza because they're closing down and having a really big sale. Emma got a Nick Carter CD for her sister ($5), I got a Dashboard CD ($7), bought a Buffy CD for Leigh ($9), and got the soundtrack to the New Guy (hilarious movie!) for 5 bucks, which I'm goign to split with Leigh, or Leigh will just get... great deals, no? The bad thing, or annoying thing acutally, was that almost all of the CDs were in these big bins, so you had to literally sift through all of the CDs to find good ones. I was also considering get Eagle Eye Cherry, Sev, and Bela Fleck CDs, but decided against it because they were a little over $10 and that was my limit.. hooray for KaZaA :) all in all, very productive day, def cheered me up. In honor of the Dashboard CD that I just got:
I'm missing your bed, I never sleep, avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak & this bottle of beast is taking me home. I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets, you're not alone & you're not discreet, you make sure I know, who's taking you home. I'm reading your note over again, there is not a word that I comprehend, except when you signed it "I will love you always & forever"
As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs, and sit alone and wonder, how you're making out. But as for me I wish that I was anywhere with anyone making out...
I'm missing your laugh, how did it break? And when did your eyes begin to look fake? I hope you're as happy as your pretending. I'm missing you bed, I never sleep. Avoiding the spots where we'd have to sleep. And this bottle of beast is taking me home.
Your hair. It's everywhere. Screaming infidelities. Taking it's wear.

woah...
yeah, listening to this years regions CD that I got in the mail... hahaha... not one of the better years. I think I have critisism for every single song that we sang... no blend.. rushing.. that stupid tenor that always stuck out.. not resonate enough.. eee... I don't think this is one choir CD that I'll be listening to a lot... a lot of great memories from this choir though... hahaha, "stripping" with Arielle (ahhhh!!!!! Witness!!! TENOR!!!! BLEND!!!!!) <-- just my little inputs... moving right along... haha, raving about the "orgasmic" basses with Colleen... chilling with my T-Neck peeps (elena, andreas, and julie)... hanging out with my all-state roomies and BCA friends... and of course some of the memories that are now bittersweet... but still sweet nonetheless (oohoohoo... someone doesn't know the words to Highland Mary... raises hand) ... haha, singing for the camera at lunch/dinner... competing with Rich for candy sales... man. what good times... here's to Honor's Choirs in general :)

It's so incredibly nice out!!!! Three cheers for spring weather when you can wear shorts and tank tops!!!! driving around in cool summer clothes. windows rolled down. sunglasses on. music blasting. no cares in the world.

one more reason for me to not care anymore
Today at 7:30 (or actually, yesterday by the time I post this), I presented my senior project in requirements for graduation. For basically doing it in the past 3 days, I would say that I did a pretty good job considering and that my presentation went pretty well... I got a few brownie points for being a singer because the judge (Mr. Donnely) is the head of the arts department for Teaneck Schools and his daughters did all state and all of that jazz. Hahaha, gotta love the honors choirs and all the connections :) ahhh.. but this definitely makes me care even less about school now. I went out with my sister at 9:30ish to run a "quick" errand.. on the way we stop at starbucks, and I see erica, amy, sara, etc. studying on the couches... curiosity around, I ask them what they're studying for, and I'm amazed to find out that we have a AP History test tomorrow. I was surprised of my butt, hahah, but other than that, I really didn't care. Kat was like, "do you need to go home and study?" ehhh.. naw. nothing matters anymore, hahah, what a great attitude. None the less, I'm up at 12:13 writting this entry and not doing homework. I figure I'll finish this batch of Hamlet questions for AP lit and then do some quick studying for AP hist... oooo, I have to be in school early tomorrow, don't I? yikes. if not for AP physics (which apparently I might have a test in too), then a voice lesson for chorus because the altos are sloowwww... ahhh... oh well. I'm used to functioning on minimal hours of sleep. I'll just crash tomorrow night :) everyone yell at me to go to bed early, alrighty? sigh. okay, back to Hamlet...

mm.. just got my second wind.. i wonder what time i should go to sleep... better yet, I wonder if i should go to school tomorrow..

rant
ugh. you know what I hate? haha, or at least what's getting on my nerves right now? How quickly people in movies and musicals, especially musicals, fall in love so quickly. How can you fall in love in one day? ummm... no. Come on now, can we be just a little realistic? I'm like sure, it tugs at the heartstrings of my hopeless-romantic self, but commmmee oonnnn... bah. I'm in a extreemly pessimistic mood.. and I'm also done ranting now. go find something else to read.. yeahhhh I'm talking to you. Since you're bored and reading my blog, why don't you give me a little call or email or something, chances are I'm bored too :) small world, no?

one more for the scrap book
I just had my last chorus concert ever at THS. Besides it being too long, it being really hot, and me hating heels, I think it went really well! The Madrigals did our songs pretty well, no major mess ups. We definitely rushed with "Chile Con Carne" and probably went a tad flat, but what else is new? Oh and we went super flat on "Elijah Rock," but you know how we have a tendency to go flat. A Capella was good. But just good, we've definitely done it a lot better before.. isn't that frustrating? We messed up on the staging in "Lion" and forgot the first section of wee's... and our tempo was a bit too fast for "Longest Time".. ugh. and I think I botched my solo, but everyone said that I did fine. I oversang for the first part of the concert, and when I do that, my low range sorta disappears, and my solo is in the lower part of my range, so yeah... I think I might have messed up the words a tad, but I can't really remember. "Hard to say goodbye" went off without a hitch, or at least I think so.. regardless, everyone loved it, so it's all good :) The senior thing didn't go to bad either, especially for just starting it this past thursday. We sang Danny Boy (which wasn't too bad considering.. we needed more basses though) and a Remix of "Big Spender"...
The minute he walked in the door, we could tell he was a man of music, a chorus teacher. Determined and on time, a pitch pipe in his pocket with a perfect chime. So let us get right to the point, we don't sing on pitch for every teach we meet.. Hey Mr. Bell! Help us sing this song right on beat... Do you want to sing notes, notes, notes? How about a few chords, chords, chords? Let us sing a major... do-re-me... no-na-no, chord...
hahaha, and so on, it was good, everyone started laughing when we broke out into the warm-ups :) good way to end my HS chorus career..

:) I love being in a good mood. the strangest thing is that It's 1:20 in the morning doing school work and I'm still in a good mood :) ahhhhhhhh....

Friday Five (yesyes, its a day late... again)
1. What was the first band you saw in concert?
Tori Amos and Alanis Morresette and the PNC Bank arts center... aaaaaa, soooo good.
2. Who is your favorite artist/band now?
At this specific moment, I would have to go with Evanescence or Caedmon's Call... I really don't have a favorite artist/band though, I really really like a lot of groups, but with all that talent out there, its hard to pick just one... ya know?
3. What's your favorite song?
ooo, you mean my favorite song ever? like question 2, I don't think I have one... Now I have a lot of favortie songs, but not just one... I would probably pick something from one of the Christian artists that I listen too... great music with a message, can't get much better than that
4. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Hmmm... well, I sorta play piano now, but I suck, so I wish I was better at that. But I really wish that I could play the guitar. It's one of the easiest instruments to transport and most songs that I wish I could play are written for guitar, which poses a problem...
5. If you could meet any musical icon (past or present), who would it be and why?
I would have to go with Jaci Velasquez, I love her music (I've seen her twice in concert), and I think she has a lot of talent. She has such a great message and her music has been really inspirational in my life.

our mission that we chose to accept
as tradition dictates, at the annual spring concert, the seniors sing a song for Mr. Bell... against some better judgement, we're singing Danny Boy. Don't get me wrong, I lovvveeee Danny Boy, especially since we sang it at All-State this past year (yeah all state!!!), and out of all the songs we could have picked, its fairly simple... but I'm one of the only two people who actually know the song, and out of the other 27, there are only about 8-11 people that are good with picking up music... It should be interesting to say the least. For 90% of the people not previously knowing the song however, it didn't sound half-bad when we did out last sing through today. Its just that Danny Boy is one of those classic songs that everyone knows, so it has to be really good.. That and.. well usually the seniors do something really funny, or they do something thats really really good. We're obviously not doing something funny, so this has to be really really good for a lot of reasons. we were contemplating changing around the words, which would work pretty well actually, but some people are really against it because, well, its Danny Boy... We'll see how things go tonight...

Okay. now I know that I never quote Christina Aguilera because I think shes a skank. But I do have to admit that out of all the pop-divettes, she has the best voice... plus I just really like these lyrics :) not as good as Invincible by Pat Benatar, but then again, what is?

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

this is dedicated to life... who likes to throw crappy stuff at me like asthma and alopeica and what not... and to the lives of everyone else, who probably have it ten times worse than me. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger :)

seems that I forgot to mention that I'm an immature shmuck in my last post. Don't bother disagreeing, I already convinced one person so that's enough for me... shmuck... what a great word... somethign about the way how it rolls off your tounge... oh and among other things, I dwell on stuff to much too... I must give props to asif though for giving it to me straight without any b.s. ... I must admit that I was initially pissed, but then realized the validity of his statement... I don't have the guts to pull out of prom anymore... so much for being a non-conformist... looking for attention? damn straight. when you're one person out of over 6 billion... who wouldn't want a little affirmation of their existance?

I must be in one of my depressive cycles... ya know, since we've (or I've) decided that I have atypical bipolar disorder... I'm such a screwed up kid. I apologize for the crappy mood that i've been in and the crappy mood that I will be in for a while... I need a jump start or something of the sort.. any one have any ideas?

yeah. i know i'm posting a lot today. deal with it, i have a lot to say... or at least a lot of thinking-out-loud to do...
I've heard before that I can read people pretty well... I think I can too, which has its ups and downs. ie: when you say something or write something thats particularly elusive.. I have a good idea of what you're talking about. It'll break my heart if my current theory is right though. I think I'm at least on the right track though.. I think that I 'saw' this for a while now though.. still sucks like a mofo though.. I think when you write or talk elusively, you are just begging people to ask you about it.. the curiosity is certainly killing me... I think one of the reasons why I am so curious is because I was always left out of the gossip in BF... one more thing to blame on those two absolutely horrid years.. screw me and my inability to live in the present..

"Black or white, Asian or Anglo, it don’t matter. Blood’s still red, tears will always taste of the sea."
((Taken from Tears by Frances Goudie))

I can't believe its snowing... It is April after all... crazy weather. You do have to admit that it's beautiful though...

Taking online test are funnnn... This is the second time I've taken this one.. it seems that I've changed a bit since I last took this in October... don't really agree with all of the results, but its just a test...

Personality Disorder Test
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

"Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
~Michael Caine

extended vacation
yeahhhhh... I think that I should drop everything that I'm doing right now and go off to live as a hermit for a while. Seems like I'm a big screw up... oh and not to mention a hugggee jerk, thats a direct quote there. I think that in my desperation to escape the real world, I haven't been acting rationally recently. I think that's making the situation too much in my favor. I think the problem is that I am afraid of confrontation... or thats at least one of my problems... mmmm... ya know, that was a good wake up call. I think I am a big jerk and I just trick myself into thinking that I'm not. Well, at least I'll be gone until sat night, Georgetown and all... I wonder if that will be enough time for people to not despise me anymore.

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
~Jars of Clay

I love getting shoutouts from random people... especially when they're nice ones, like the one that this girl named becky left me, ::smiles:: it made me happy. On a totally random note, score for me because I found me a date for prom, boooyaahhhh, hahahaha. the best thing is that ray's still a teaneckian even though he goes to BCA, so it'll be like old times... ahhhh, I like when things work out =)

Tara v. College
hahaha, I guess the entire Columbia family doesn't like me too much because I got rejected from both the brother and sister schools. ahhh well, I knew I wasn't going to get in.. it was just a matter of time. It really doesn't bother me much either, I will be so happy going to Georgetown, Tufts or BC. Now the hard part comes.. actually deciding where to go. Well, I'm going down to D.C. this fri/sat for Georgetown's open house.. and I'll be goign to Tufts and BC's open houses later this month.. still a hard decision.. this affects the next four years of my life... mmm... any thoughts on the matter?

Accepted: Georgetown, Tufts, BC, Rutgers
Denied: Barnard, Columbia

partings
wow. I have a bit of bad news, and I know this will be a shock to a lot of people because I didn't really want to say anything until plans are definite, but I guess its about time I clued everyone in to why I've been such a grump for the past while... A few months ago my dad told us that there was a possibility that he was getting transfered... to the Philippines. Last night the plans were finalized... apparently they're starting a big citibank branch there and my dad is getting promoted so he will be overseeing all systems development. Why couldn't he accept a job atleast somewhere else in the continental united states... I mean, i know that my parents wished they were closer to all of our relatives, but going all the way back home? its like a 21 hour flight not including layovers and such... I didn't want to let myself believe it, but I guess its time I faced the facts. The worst part is that he's starting his new position on June 1st of this year.. so we'll be leaving about 2 weeks prior.. that means I only have a month and a half here... no graduation.. no prom (which i was finally looking foward to)... no hanging out with friends before we go to college.. I'm still going to go to college here in the states, but during break I'll be going to my new house in the Philippines... I.... yeah... I didn't think it was really going to happen. I guess there's nothing big to keep my parents here since me and my sis are out of highschool... I always wanted to leave, but not this far... check the shoutout section below to see my other thoughts on the matter.. Oh man, here come the tears... I guess this will be goodbye soon....