prusings (origin: prom musing)
wow. that meeting with the the group actually went pretty decently.. prom is definitely rubbing off on me now that its not way expensive and that I don't have to do any planning now. limo is set, the powers that be, felicia and jacob, are dealing with that, and it looks like we might be able to use Jacob's time share in the poconos which means no money for that! how sweet is that? :) ahh.. maybe things will turn out after all

big mess over nothing
dammit dammit dammit... now that the bids are only going to be $80, I have no excuse not to go to prom.. because if everyone goes, then I wont have anyone to chill with or have an "anti-prom" with... grrrrr... so much stress for one stupid night. limo problems. what to do right after. what to do for a trip. my goodness.. comeon people... sigh. So i've resigned myself to going... so should I go stag or should i sucker one of my guy friends into comming with me? Going stag could actually be fun, but I don't know. If senior year is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life, then why am I so sad and frusterated and forlorn? sigh. I would give almost anything for it to be June 18th right now. or better yet, late august, because then I would be gone from all of this. start anew. leave my past behind. dammit, I hate when I get all depressed like this... I apologize to anyone whose actually reading this, you'll just have to bear with me for a little while.
Ahh!! and another thing! People need to stop being so idealistic and realize that our society is not perfect and it will never be...

random quote of the moment:
she turned and said to him, "You know what I think? I think you never stopped loving her... I'm just the rebound girl"
~Tamara Splaret

Tara v. College
OOOO!!!!! whoot now! I got into Georgetown! ooo yeah babe!!! hahahaha, so excited! My dad said to me this morning, you got a letter from Georgetown... so incedibly nervous. And so I went and go tthe letter and it was normal sized, so I was thinking "Oh no, i didn't get in," but then I picked it up and was like "this is too thick to be a rejection letter" and lo and behold I got in!!!! wooohooo!!!!!! :) now comes the hard part.. deciding where to go...

Accepted: Rutgers, BC, Tufts, GEORGETOWN!!!!
Waiting: Columbia,
Denied: Barnard

Friday Five (yeah, i know, its a day late)
1. What was your most memorable moment from the last week?
Well.. it depends if it was memorable in a good way or a bad way. Lets focus on the good though, shall we? :) I think getting into Tufts was the most memorable thing. This friday was pretty fun though, good times with good people
2. What one person touched your life this week?
One person... hmm... I would have to pick Emma for this week. you know why sweetie :) thanks for dealing with me. same goes to leigh and nicole who had to deal with my incessant complaining this week
3. How have you helped someone this week?
I listened... I think just listening to someone is one of the best ways you can be a friend
4. What one thing do you need to get done by this time next week?
Get over certain events... and hopefully finish my senior project which has to be presented on the 14th, but yeah right... hahaha, you know me
5. What one thing will you do over the next seven days to make your world a better place?
Be a better me... yes, i know that's extreemly cleeshay (yeah, have no idea how to spell that), but it starts with you...

warring
so jacob, leigh, nicole, emma and I hit up the starbucks in englewood tonight after I went to whole foods for dinner with leigh and jacob (so yummy by the way), and we ended up having a prett intelligent conversation about the current war situation and matters pertaining to... these two kids from tenefly, chris and flo (or thats what they said their names were), ended up getting in a conversation, or debate actually, about the war and what not.. well actually, the debate was more between emma, jacob, and this chris kid, but anyway... quite interesting... jacob totally whooped this chris kid, it was actually quite funny to listen too though, and the conversation lasted for a good 20 minutes if not more. It was pretty good times... this kid was just being so ridiculously idealistic though... the world isn't perfect, and never will be, and he just didn't seem to accept that fact. ah well, his loss. I think it was really cool that we could get into such a good debate with random people though :) just my dorkiness

its funny how your fears became my reality...

Re: legacy
this is mostly directed to the "just stumbled upon your blog" person who left me a comment on my legacy post. I find it unfair that you're judging me on one post that I put on my blog. Yes. I was angry at the moment. Everyone loses it once in a while and I just happen to be venting. In no way was I putting down people who aren't artsyish, athletic or people who wear designer clothes. I realize that not everyone is like that, I never said that at all. I profusely apologize if it seemed that way. I was making a different point about each statement I made however. with the clothes, people are judged so much in my school by what clothes they wear, and I find that extreemly unfair. some people, including myself, don't find it necessary to flaunt the designer fashions, those who do, great for them and they look fabulous most of the time, but they have no right look down upon people that don't. in regards to soccer and chorus, everyone has their different strengths, but I do not appreciate when people are lazy and slack off. They opted to be in the particular activity, and by not caring, they are bringing the group down. I dont' care if they don't have as much skill as everyone else, but if they give 100%, then thats better then a person with more talent who slacks off. I devote a lot of my time and energy to make the groups that I am put in charge of good, if you're not willing to try, then don't do it. I am not referring everyone as I said before.. mainly the people in my school. Yes, I am judging them, but I am not just grabbing this stuff out of thin air. I have lived in my town all my life and think that have a good idea of what my fellow classmates are like. And I know that I am not the only one with the same view. I'm not bitter just because I'm leaving in a few months. I am irritated at the attitude of the people in my school though. and if you don't agree with my opinion, then fine. you can come to my school and make your own judgement. And who said my mood was rubbing off on others? did it rub off on you? that's your own fault then, you didn't have to let what I was feeling at the moment affect you. The funny thing is... I'm usually one of the most cheerful people out of my small bunch. go figure. everyone has their off moments...

Tara v. Colleges
oooo yeah, in your face Barnard! (got rejected) I just got my acceptance to Tufts! so hahahaha to you! :)

Accepted: Rutgers, BC, Tufts!
Waiting: Columbia, Georgetown
Denied: Barnard

legacy
interesting chats that I always have with laura and other peoples.. but I have the same viewpoint as her on this one.. why should i give a crap how people, especially the students, remember me at THS? I can barely tolertate 90% of the people in my school... yes, i know I'm being extreemly negative, but THS, or rather the people of THS, piss me off like all hell... so yes. let me be remembered... let me be remembered at a soccer captain who yelled like hell to make her team better... let me be remembered as the anal retentive alto who corrected the choir during class so we didn't suck at competition... let me be remembered as a straight-edged girl who wasn't popular because she didn't drink or smoke up on weekends... let me be remembered as the girl who didn't flaunt around name brand clothing like they were going out of style... at least I'll be remembered as me. not some front that I put on to fit in with the crowd and make people happy. If I'm going to be liked, I am going to be liked for me, and only me...

Tara v. Colleges
Sweet, I just got my first real acceptance letter from BC (Boston College), or "fat letter" as some people like to call them. But man, took them long enough! hahaha, I think I'm still a tad pissed they didn't accept me early action so I wasn't estatic when I got the letter, hahah, oh well, still a great college! 2 down.. four more to go...
Accepted: Rutgers, Boston College (BC)
Waiting: Columbia, Barnard, Tufts, Georgetown
Denied: --

scapegoating
I have no one to blame but myself... I am the reason that things happen in my life and am the only one that can dictate change. It really is so much easier to have someone to blame though, but that's only denying the reality of the situation. Or better yet, it is a lot easier to have someone to hate. Hate is such a strong emotion that it fills the void of your mind and body till everything else disappears. Then you feel ... nothingness ... and nothingness is definitelly a good feeling sometimes. The bad (or good thing actually) about hate is that it's such a strong emotion that pure-unbridled hate is hard to come by. yes.. blaming someone would be so much easier, but then again, life isn't easy.. or fair, as I have definitely found out in the past. Define fair though... fair for one person might be unfair for another person, so I guess it's another one of those perspective things... blaming youself is not a good thing though, because it leads to strings of what ifs, which is never a good road to travel down. unfortunate for myself, I often find myself a traveler on that path... leaving behind me a crumbs of regrets... They say that if it does not kill you, it will only make you stronger... I think I'm plenty strong already and would rather not encounter more "strength-building" situations... there must be some point when your "strength level" maxes out and you just rapidly decend into the innerworkings of your thoughts... and trust me, that is not a place where you want to be. Not pleasant at all... sigh... anyone up for ice cream though? always a good pick me-up.. too bad its 12:20 in the morning

AHHH!!!!!!! major kudos to elena and andreas for making all state chorus and continuing the THS legacy! woohooo!!!! ahhh.. i am so proud of you guys... not to mention jealous... I had such a good time at states... I wish I had another year to make up for me not getting in frosh year... oooo, and even more props to Elena for being the #2 ranked Soprano 1!!!!!!! ooo.. whose good now?!? sucks that MENC all-easterns isn't this year... next year though!!!!

My Immortal ~ Evanescence
this is such a great song.. great band in general actually.. They're first single "Bring me to life" is featured in the movie Daredevil, along with this piano ballad.. definitely a song to download

i'm so tired of being here / suppressed by all of my childish fears / and if you have to leave / i wish that you would just leave / because your presence still lingers here / and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal / this pain is just too real / there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears / when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears / and i've held your hand through all of these years / but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me / by your resonating light / but now i'm bound by the life you left behind / your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams / your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal / this pain is just too real / there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears / when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears / and i've held your hand through all of these years / but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone / and though you're still with me / i've been alone all along

i have so many questions... so many "whys" and "how comes" ... unfortunately, or fortunately, they will probably never be asked. insted they will live forever in my mind, to be dwelled on over and over again. see, thats why things always get to me more than they should... because it takes a really long time for me to let things go, which is probably one of the worst flaws that i have. flaws. i think i have a lot of those...
you know you're in deep shit when you have that feeling at the back of your throat... and you know that it's going to come out sooner or later... but you're working as hard as you can to just make it go away.
I'm almost 100% positive that i've decided to go back to my previous stance about dating and really really try to stick with is this time. if you have no idea what my previous stance was.. then ask me.. because its not getting written here. too many people disagree with me for it to be written here. It really makes perfect sense to me.. but then again, i'm not a normal teenager... or at least I like to think that I'm not.
and a final thing to all my girlfriends... you gals are the best.. i love how i can not really say anything, but you still know whats wrong... i love how we can get together looking like shit, and we won't care... i love how we can have entire conversations just by looking at eachother.. and i love how we will always be there for eachother... we will always have someone to gossip with, a shoulder to cry on, someone to drive around with, a person to dance with, and memories that will never fade...

Reggie, Noreen, Andreas, et. all... you guys are the absolute greatest! :) hehehe, I feel all special when people respond to my away messages or my blog, hahaha, being the big dork that I am. ::mwah:: to all of you

how am I? I'm surprisingly good considering... Was it worth it? I don't know yet. I'm still working that one out... You might say to me, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... but is it really? what were the circumstances that the author was refering to? did he lose his love to ill-fated death? in that case, then yes, i agree with him... but i'm still not sure... love between friends works perefectly fine to me. So does this mean i'm going back to my old stance about relationships? I don't know... I have a feeling that I only said that to make myself feel better about my loserness... i was only rationalizing not being asked out... yes. that must be it. because if not, i am the weakest person on earth and have no will... oh i don't know... my thoughts are a big jumbled mess right now, which is probably good, because if i was thinking coherently right now, i would probably be somewhere else curled up into a ball right now, or as much as humanly possible... I think pondering for a while would actually be a good thing to do.. anyone care to join me? or leave me little shoutout thingys and I'll ponder whatever you're pondering... philisophical discussions are always a good time... anything than whats running through the channels of my grey matter right now...

early morning musings
sometimes i wish that i were a really selfish person that didn't care about anyone elses feelings... only myself. that way i would always be happy... but i guess bad times only make the good times better... I realized a long time ago that the world does not revolve around me, and it never will. I can only take this as they come at me.. and during the course of my 17 years on this earth, I've found that I have an incredible amount of strength. Don't really know where that came from.. or actually it must have come from God, because He is the only one that can hold me up in times of despair...oh, i'm sounding so great right now... I don't know why I am posting this for all the world to see.. this is my search for sympathy. can anyone really understand what's going through my head though? not really. there is a big possibility that this post will get deleted, we will just have to see. you know.. I once heard that If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never really was yours in the first place... i guess we'll just have to see...

I hope for the best... but for some reason always expect the worse... chalk another one up for the past and my ability to always dwell on it...

mistakes are a good thing
oh man, I absolutely love the construction workers at my school.. Jacob calls me at about 7:10 this morning to tell me that there was a power outage at THS so they canceled school!! How great is that?!? Apparently the construction people screwed up and cut the power for the entire school.. hahah, this almost makes up for how annoying they are with all of their loudness.. ::smile:: Getting a day off was sooo nice, it was really needed too. Leigh and I were saying on monday how there was nothing to get us through this week, and then there was this! And tomorrow is going to be great because its a B day, which are the easiest days for me (Java, Chorus, Math, and Gym)... the only bad thing is a Calc test that I have tomorrow, but our teacher isn't even going to be there! He's leaving the test with our sub... how stupid is that? Does he not realize that the amount of cheating that's going to take place is going to be enourmous?!? Teachers trust their AP students waaayyyy too much... ah well, that's on them... mmm... tomorrow will definitely be a good day... not to mention that i get to see benj tomorrow :) hahaha, ignore my mushyness

here we go
for the first time in about 12 years, the United States of America has offically declared war on another nation... Two days ago President W. Bush gave Sadam an ultimatum which basically said he had 48 hours to get out of Iraq. Well, its about 51 hours since Bush gave his ultimatium, and bombs have already started to fly... so far 6 military targets have been hit (if I understood correctly), but what started the uproar was a "leadership target" strike.. or that's what people have been hearing.. who really knows? at 10:15 Bush made a statement saying that the opening stages of the war hae began and whatnot.. bascially stuff that we already knew.. I'm still hesitant about this war.. sure, they'll try to limit the number of civilian casualties but yeah.. so we're going to drop a bomb to kill one person? dandy. sorta like stepping on an ant hill to kill the queen.. ahhh you know what i mean. oh yes, i've heard that this war is a necessary evil and all that jazz... I really just don't know.. this is something I still have to figure out for myself. All I know is that my prayers are for all of the soilders fighting for Bush's... I mean our country's ideals... May God bless them and watch over them...
ahhh.. and here come all of the contraversial posts yelling at me...

whoops... hahaha, did I say that the Jars of Clay concert was this friday? oopsie.. big mistake. The Jars of Clay & Caedmon's Call concert is actually on the Friday, April 4th... silly me. But yeah, everything else is still the same, it's at 7:30pm at the Sovereign Bank Center in Trenton... I still really want to go, both of these bands are soooo good. Tkts are only $20, which i think is very reasonable... If you want to download any of their songs to test 'em out... I would suggest "Faith Like A Childs" or "Flood" for Jars of Clay and "Before There Was Time" for Caedmon's Call, "You are Holy" is also a really really good song, except it features a lot of other artisits besides Caedmon's Call.. definitely worth downloading though :) So do I have any takers?

YESSS!!!!
for once in my life, I am estatic that THS revolves around sports. little bit o' background: the THS boys varsity basketball team has been doing extraordinarily well, infact, they won the group IV state championship game this past sunday. as a result, their next game is on wednesday... As some people know, senior projects were supposed to be presented on wed night, but since the oh so holy boys basketball team has a game, project presentations were promptly pushed back to next thursday! how great is that! I would have been so screwed if they were still this wed, I am so far behind on it... hopefully i can finish it by this thursday night though because I really want to go to the Jars of Clay & Caedmon's Call concert in Trenton on friday... anyone want to go?

musings
ooo, its so pretty outside right now. the sun is almost below the horizon and the sky is beautiful. reds and pinks and purples and blues all meld together to form such a breathtaking sight. yet despite all the beauty that surounds me, I feel sad. Don't really know why either. Maybe its because I was cooped up all day doing work. or actually, trying to got work. Maybe the fact that I got basically nothign accomplished is making me sad. mmmm... someone make it go away. another possibility could be me not being satisfied with my faith/spirituality right now.. thats definitely possible. Ya know what? term papers suck. they should be outlawed for seniors. and you know what sucks even more? senior projects. who ever came up with this brilliant idea? mmm... i should stop complaining though. its not very becoming of me. sigh. why am I so sad?

tour de france?
whoa... my legs feel soooo weird. so the first time in a really long while, i went our biking today. I've decided that I am really out of shape, and that i should get my butt in gear because spring soccer starts really soon. I was going to go running, but i'm definitely too out of shape to go distance running in this chilly weather... distance running is something I need to work my way back up to... and we know how cold weather wreckes havock on my asthma. So I biked to bergenfield and back on Garrison/Sussex Rd, it turned about to be about a 4 mile ride which i accomplished in about... 15 minutes I'd say... Thats pretty sad but I am out of shape afterall... I feel accomlished for exersizing on my own again... and i did some sets of crunches, leglifts and pushups (hahaha, oh i suck at pushups...) so all the better for me :)

on with the show
The 12th annual Help the Homeless Benefit concert was held tonight at THS... SO AMAZING!!! I had such a blast! I did three things... I played/sang Anyways by Dynamite Hack, that went well I think :) I thought my voice was a little shakey from being nervous though, but people said that they didn't know it... I also played Kissing You while leigh sang, not bad either, but i definitely screwed up. hahahaha, oh well, i couldn't pick up where i left off, so i just started with the piano interlude, i was only half-a-measure away from that part anyway. no one probably would have noticed if i didn't make a face ::smile:: oh well, it was just the benefit concert, nothing big... and for my third and final act, Marissa and I did a surprise performance of Take Me or Leave Me from RENT. it went over so well!! haha, despite the fact that my voice wasn't 100% due to me cheering and screaming during the concert. bad Tara ;) Everyone said that we sounded so good! :D I'm so happy! I had such an amazing time tonight. all of the other acts were really good too. A Fortnights Gone (Nick H, Dave P, etc), the band that closed, were really really good. I loved their last song! Ahhhhh, such good times. My only regret is that this was the first year that i did it. Oh well, I'm glad that I got to do it at all :) Oo! Oo! and thanks to all those people who came! you rock!

Help the Homeless Presents the 12th Annual Benefit Concert
Wednesday, March 12, 7pm in the Teaneck High School Auditorium
Admission: $5

Comeon guys, you know you want to come! Its for a really good cause! The money will go towards charaties like Shelter our Sisters, Camp Lots of Fun, the food pantry, etc. hahah, if anything, come to watch me perform, or at least try to perform ;) Watch me royally screw up or something. But anywho, come one! come all! ooo, and buy tkts before hand from me, i need to sell mine :)

what the hell. why the effe does it matter whether or not i go to prom? why the hell do you all care so much? prom is a once in a life time deal... you'll regret not going... blahblahblah. All i've been hearing for the past month, if not more. What makes prom so effing special? tell me that? "Prom is only a once in a lifetime thing" oh yeah really? well woop-de-freakin-do. So you want me to spend a ridiculous amount of money to go eat some food that probably won't be that good and sit while i watch everyone gyrate on the dance floor. ooo yeah... sounds like tons of fun. oh, it really does. not to mention that i can't even tolerate 75% of the people in my grade. ohmy goodness, it is taking ever ounce of restraint that i have to not let loose a stream of curses right now. Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and cannot due? what I am going to regret. Oh, I'm sorry, apparently you know me better than I do. Strange world we live in... screw this

mission: complete
Ooooo, I had the best luck at the mall yesterday. Nicks, Fil, and I went to the garden state plaza yesterday to dress shop and to get a gift for billy. The second store that i went into, I find the absolutely perfect dress. Its strapless, burgendy dress... Very simple, just the way how i like it, with burgendy embroidering all over it. :D and i got such a good deal on it too! ..especially since it's a Jessica McClintock dress. This is the closest picture that I could find that looks like my dress. Hahaha, if you really want to see it, you'll have to make your way over to my house :)

Hahahaha, i find this extremely funny because I don't even particularly want to go to prom. Too much money in my opinion, especially if Kavita was telling the truth about the cost of the bids, but we'll see how things turn out. My limit for prom bids is $100... absolute max... i don't think its worth it to spend any more than that.. but thats just me

Friday Five
1. What was the last song you heard?
Somewhere Out There - Our Lady Peace
2. What were the last two movies you saw?
Twister, Cast Away (but in theaters: DareDevil & Chicago)
3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Pizza, time on an indoor climbing wall, and a sandwich at Limones
4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
go shopping with the gals, homework (I need to, that doesn't mean i'm going to though), Senior Project, Citibank Scholarship stuff
5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Ben, Leigh, Nicole, Emma, and the parentals

Computer Science Follies
:) hahahaha, I'm currently sitting in my AP computer science class right now.... 6 unsupervised students that all think they're the shit... hahah, except for me. we honestly have no idea where our sub is, oh well... its alllll good. :) Hahaha, so we're on the first floor, so first we start to throw snow around. This is really intelligent considering that we're surrounded by computers.. hahahahaha, peter just climbed out the window to go get a pencil that he saw outside... :D we are absolutely hilarious... hoh boy, this should be intersting :)

Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You’ve given me so many things that I've never had
And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you’ll see my heart is true

‘Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice
~ 12 Stones

ooooo, and thanks to Benjameen, Jon, and Em who made me feel ultra special on a crap day by leaving me shoutouts! :) hahaha, I really do love ya guys.... :D

40 days and 40 nights
for Lent this year i've decided to give up cursing (even though i hardly do to begin with), and candy. all types of candy in all forms. mm... this is going to be a real test of wills. I hope that my strength in God will beable to let me keep my vows. While sorta on the subject, I'm really uphappy with where I'm at spiritually right now. Sure, I go to church every sunday like the good little Catholic girl I am.. but going to church doesn't make you anymore of a Catholic/Christian than going to a garage makes you a car. I haven't touched my bible in the longest time... over 2 months at least... What happened to me? I'd love to be how I was frosh year when I just started to go to Hi-BA... that was amazing. I was so on fire.. pray for me?

hahahaha... in regards to musings of 3rd period, I really am okay. hehehe, I'm actually quite dandy right now. I spent a good amount of talking a wonderful person who cheered me up, plus other people who made me feel special. :) Love you all!

musings of 3rd period
the following entry was written on monday, march 3 begining at 12:15 pm. It was written throughout the entirety of the THS AP Calculus BC class. 85 minutes of thoughts straight from my head. The text is being transfered verbatim from a piece of college ruled paper.

why am I in such a foul mood? I've been like this since saturday, which was one of the most drainingdays that I've had in a while. Ugh. They were just really getting to me at lunch. I don't even know why. There weren't doing anything major. It just pissed me off that they weren't listening to me. Not like they always listen to [me] anyways or anything. Sigh. Shall we blame it on PMS? we could, but I dont' think that its the right reason. hmmm... maybe this goes along with the, or with my, idea that I have Atypical Bipolar disorder. Its basically a really mild form of Bipolar disorder, aka manic-depressive disorder. I think in part right now, I'm still bummed that I cna't go to the Switchfoot concert anymore. Screw parents. Mmmm... I'm having bad thoughts right now, but I won't write them down in fear of someone taking them really seriously and getting really worried. Since this is turning [out] to be a birth and moan session, let me complain a little more. It turns out that Barnard didn't get one of my app. sections. So now I have to do that and fed-ex it over ASAP. I also can't find my scholarship stuff that Citibank sent to me, and my 'rents are definitely pissed about that. Screw college. I'm not getting in anywhere. I'm still bitter that I didn't get into BC. Yeah, call me resentful. I also feel like an f'ing bitch because I haven't written to Marissa (a girl that my family sponsers) in over 3 months. How shitty of me is that? Plus I have 2 CDs that are overdue at the library by like 15 days, in addition to the 7+ books that I also have overdue. Oh and lets not forget about that stupid thing called Tara's sernior project. Its a lot harder than I thought it would be. Its so f'ing stupid. not to mention a colossal waste of my time. I think that if I keep writting, I'm going to burst out into tears, because I definitely feel them comming. Yeah, asif just tried to ask me something, and I totally ignored him, oh well. I have the feeling that I'm going to end up totally bitching someone out before the day is over. Oh well. Serves the world right. Why do I always have to be the "cheery" one? The one that everyone bitches to? even when its late, and I still have a shit-load of homework, and I'm really tired. I love the way how no one has asked me what's wrong yet. I'm definitely not acting anywhere remotely close to my regular self right now. ooops, I lied, billy just asked me if I'm okay. Go him. I nodded yes of course. What was I going to say? no? Then he would have asked what was wrong, and that would have opened a whole entire new can of worms. How the hell would I explain, really explain, what's bothering me. If you've read this far... chances are you didn't understand like half of it. Oh. and did I mention that people are really immature? There are times when you should act like a kid, but now is not one of them. its so loud in here right now, it's not neccesary to yeall right now. gr. can we say annoying? Oh my gosh. I can't believe that there's 20 minutes left in this stupid, idiotic class. Hmmm... phil just asked me who I'm writting to. That's a really good question. Who am I writting to? I know that I get a few hits on my blog each day, but I have no idea who actaully reads this. I feel like crying right now. But I don't know why I would be crying. Crying feels so good sometimes. 15 minutes left. tick tock, tick tock. I don't want to go to gymn next period. tick tock, tick tock. 10 minutes left. I sit here, soning out, eating whatever sourpatch kids my math class didn't take from me. asif asks me if I'm okay. yes I nod. Felicia just asked if I'm okay. yeah I reply. Only took her the enitre class to ask. mindless jabbering goes on behind me. 5 minutes lft. who cares about factorials? I certainly dont. mmmm... I wonder what Ben's doing right now. And emma. And dave, and Jon. Woah. we're on question 7? When'd that happen? what? I'm so confused. Ring. I'm out the door.

disclaimer: most of these feeling do not reside within my being anymore. I was just at the hight of my foul mood for the day. I still enjoy talking to everyone and being a good friend by listening to their problems. Don't get me wrong. Its just been a little stressful recently. and yes, I'm okay now.

academic blunders
so the final academic decathalon competition was this past saturday at Westwood HighSchool. It was an experiance to say the least. Hahaha, I think we were the most unprepared and laid-back school there. At lunch we were playing catch with apples and were making paper airplanes.. Oh! and then Henry made paper boats and then capsized them and drowned paper asif and paper felica by pouring water on them, hahaha, we're 5 years old :) The tests weren't that incredibly bad... hahaha, probably just because none of us really cared. Screw economics though, I knew absolutely nothing on that section. I should have just spent the time bubbleing in the little rectangles so a pretty design was formed ~ tangent: oh, and why were the little fill-in-thingys rectangles? they're usually ovals or cirlces.. but rectangles? that's just strangeness ~ hahah... oh and I definitely did not expect the math section to be as difficult as it was, I felt like such a dumb shiz after that section was over. The essay was definitely a bunch of bullshiz also. i'm guessing that the majority of the people at the competition choose topic No. 3 because it was the only one that didn't have to do with the book we were supposed to read.. Super quiz wasn't that bad either... except that I felt like i total disgrace to GSE, considering that the questions were all about the ocean and such... bah. oooo, now the impromptu speach was a totally different matter. That was the absolute worst. You are handed a sheet with 3 different topics, are given a minute to prep, and then have to give a speech that's 1:30 minimum. Yeah, so the topic decided to speak about was something to the extent of besides Aids and cancer, what illness would you want to get rid of. So being the dumb shiz that I am, read the question wrong and thought we had to talk about Aids or cancer... so after the first 30 secs of my prep time were gone, I realized my err and spent the rest of the time agonizing over my mistake. I eventually decided to talk about retardation or something of the sort. Ugh. it was so bad. I spent half of the minute thirty just standing there and saying "um" or saying nothing at all, and when I actually spoke, it was so nonsensical. When it got near to the end of required time, one of the judges (who was super nice by the way) started to say something, so I just broke in and said "Yeah... I think I'm done" ... hahahahaha, so great. So that was that. at least this stupid thing didn't really count for anything. The awards dinner is on tuesday, so we'll see how I actually did...